"Rocky LaPorte" Part Deux

Well, as promised, here is the conclusion of the exciting “Rocky LaPorte” story.

Thursday night I received a call from the survey company. They started off with a few questions about the show- when did I watch it, did I watch the whole thing, etc. Then they asked me questions about the commercials, in particular ones for Marie Callendar frozen foods and for cleaning products. To be honest, I didn’t remember either one of the commercials- they were so bland that they completely left my brain as I was watching them.

After that, they asked me a few questions about the show itself- who was my favorite character, who was my least favorite character, what should they change if the show were ever aired, and so forth. I was brutally honest that show was pretty horrible, there were no good characters and that they were all equally abhorrent. As for what should be changed, I pretty much said the whole show should be scrapped and rebuilt from the ground up.

And that was it.

Given that they were particularly interested in two of the commercials, I’m guessing that the DVD was really a preview of new commercials more than a TV Show. The show was there simply to provide a modicum of entertainment in between the real reason to be watching- ads. (Pretty much the way broadcast TV operates anyway).

It was interesting to be part of the survey, though, and I would look forward to the chance to do it again, although I’d like to see a better show than “Rocky LaPorte.”

I've seen the future, and it's name is not Rocky LaPorte

I like to make my opinions known. (Which, of course, is an unusual trait for a blogger to have.) I also like free stuff. To those ends, a while back I signed up for a service that asks its members to review products and websites, and so forth. Mostly I’ve reviewed some commercial websites. It’s pretty easy work, and I’ve been rewarded for my time with Amazon gift certificates, but it wasn’t anything exciting. Until last week...

I got a call asking if I’d like to review a TV show, which I agreed to do. Yesterday I got a DVD in the mail. I was to watch it last night, and the company is going to call me tonight to ask questions about it. I figured I might get the chance to preview some new show that might be on a network’s fall or winter line-up- I could be the one to determine if it would make it. Maybe I would be getting a preview of the next “Heroes” (yay!) or maybe “Two and a Half Men” (boo!). Or maybe I’d see the debut show of an up and coming star. I was excited, to say the least.

Anyway, I put the DVD in the player, and start the show.

The first scene takes place in a kitchen, where a young boy (about 10 or so) is reading from a book and spouting some trivia from it. A superimposed title reveals we’re watching “The Rocky LaPorte Show.” Dad (the titular Rocky, in real life a stand-up comedian) makes some allegedly humorous comments. Sample dialogue:

Boy: Did you know the ancient Aztecs used played soccer using human heads?
Rocky: Well, you know, when you’re poor, you’ve got to make due with what you have.
(Cue laugh track.)

Teenage daughter enters and exposits (not at all unnaturally) that today is Mom and Dad’s fifteenth wedding anniversary, and did Dad forget to buy a present again this year? Dad feels that he got the perfect gift- a new chair for her office. Daughter says that’s a horrible gift. Dad gets a little nervous and claims he also has another gift, too. And standard sitcom plot #23 is off and running.

It’s pretty predictable where we go from here- Dad stops by to see his best friend, who works in a retirement home. Said friend is a little dopey, but agrees to help with a new present. A crotchety old man™ says to get her jewelry, so off we go to the jewelry store.

Dad sees a nice diamond ring, but is put off when the woman at the store (played by Missi Pyle, the only person in the cast whose name I recognized, and only one of two who even looked remotely familiar) tells him it costs $12,000. Dad realizes that cubic zirconium is the only thing in his price range, so he buys one that is about the size of a GameBoy.

Of course, everyone he shows it to realizes it’s fake, so he heads back to the jewelry store to get his money back. Missi Pyle is gone, and the current salesman is the only other person who looks familiar. I don’t know his name, but he plays the Washington Mutual guy on TV commercials. WaMu guy says that all sales are final and won’t refund Rocky’s money. Fortunately, Rocky is a telephone repair man, so he threatens to cut off the store’s service. This rather wishy-washy threat is enough to scare the bejesus out the salesman, so he gives Rocky his money back. Rocky uses the money to buy a teeny-tiny diamond ring.

That night, Rocky cooks dinner for his wife, gives her the ring and all is well with the world.

So- that’s the show I was all excited about. Boy, was it bad. None of the actors had any charisma, Rocky, who speaks in a heavily Chicago-accented nasal voice, is possibly the worst stand-up comedian turned actor I’ve ever seen- he cannot register any emotion at all. The kids are your standard sitcom issue. Either Rocky’s friend is a huge bland idiot, or the actor playing him is (and given the talent level of the rest of the cast, I’m going to put my money on the latter).

The only pleasant thing about the show was seeing Missi Pyle, but something about her seemed odd at first. She’s not exactly a world-famous actress, but given the movies and TV shows she’s been in recently, I didn’t think she’d be acting in a non-recurring role in a pilot. Then I realized that she’s a lot younger, thinner and brunette-er in this show than I’m used to seeing. So I started wondering how old this show was.

A quick scan of IMDb reveals no information about this show- it’s not on either Missi Pyle’s or Rocky LaPorte’s resume. (Rocky’s does say he did a pilot, but it doesn’t say when that was.) His website also mentions the pilot, but gives no other information.

Another thing about the DVD was that there were commercials. Off-hand, I remember one for Afflac Insurance and another for Cheese Nips featuring Quasimodo that was much funnier than the show itself.

The instructions that accompanied the DVD said that I should watch it from start to finish with no breaks, and to pay attention to everything. So, I guess I’m wondering whether I’m supposed to be critiquing a horrendous several-year-old failed TV pilot, or if I’m the test audience for a bunch of new commercials.

The company that sent out the DVD is calling me tonight for my opinions. I guess I’ll find out more then. When I do, I’ll keep all of you posted.

Rememberance of Chillers Past- The Other Movie Stars

Hmm- only about 4 weeks since the last post. If I don't start picking up the pace, you may accuse me of being a slacker or something. Well, since I don't want that, I'll continue with the series that had you coming back for more- previous Chiller encounters. This post will finish off the (more or less) mainstream stars, as well as two surprise musical guests.

First off, a couple of Sopranos alumni:



Joe Pantoliano and Frank Vincent (and the lovely Pilar).

For those of you Stripes and/or Rock and Roll High School fans, PJ Soles:


Or, if Sheena is more your speed, here's Tanya Roberts:


My favorite Lois Lane, Margot Kidder:


My favorite Indiana Jones girlfriend (and someone who's always reminded of being Margot Kidder's spunky younger sister), Karen Allen:


Star of some great Hitchcock films, Tippi Hedren:


Here's Karen Black, who was great in Nashville, and whose TV movie Trilogy of Terror scared the pants off my mother back in the day:


And, our musical guests-

First up, she really, really wanted Candy, Anabela Lwin from Bow Wow Wow:


And, finally, the drummer from one of my all time favorite groups ever, Nick Mason of Pink Floyd:

This blog is not suitable for children or those with somewhat delicate sensibilities

If you're under 13, turn back now.



The PG-13 is because of the presence of the words dead, shoot and steal.

A real post will come later this week.

Really.

I mean it.

Not your father's psychotic super-villain

Oh man! I know exactly what my Halloween costume is going to be this year.

Rememberance of Chillers Past- The Horror, The Horror

Man- life sure has a way of getting in the way of doing stupid stuff. I purposely chose an easy task for the next several blog posts, and I still can't manage more than one post every couple of weeks. At this rate, I'll be done right around the October Chiller.

So, without any further ado, let's take a look at some of the people who starred in those scaaaarry movies, OK?

First up, the American Werewolf, and quite a Pepper, David Naughton:


Not really a scream queen, but she did kick a lot of monster butt in her prime, Sybil Danning:


Looking a lot different without all that scary black hair in front of her face, The Ring's own Samara (and the voice of Chihiro in the American version of one of my wife's favorite movies, Spirited Away)- Daveigh Chase:


The voice of Chucky, Brad Dourif (who was also great as Billy Bibbit):


The Re-Animator himself, Jeffrey Combs:


You may not recognize her without the black wig and extreme cleavage, but that Cassandra Peterson, aka Elvira:


The Ladies of the Evil Dead:


And what would an Evil Dead autograph collection be without Bruce Campbell? (Actually, this is kind of a cheat- I didn't get his autograph at Chiller, it was at a signing for one of his books.)


Here's someone who should be immediately recognizable, Linda Blair:


Finally, two signatures from the stars of one of my favorite scary/funny movies, Phantasm. Angus Scrimm (The Tall Man), and Reggie Bannister:

Remembrance of Chillers Past

Not really having a lot to write about right now, my mind wanders back to the plaintive comment left by The Edward: "Where are the Biffs?"

Yes, where are the Biffs? Well, sir, there is at least one Biff in my archive, so I've decided to revisit past Chillers- for the next several days, I will be posting pictures from Chillers prior to my starting this blog. I am going to arrange the pictures thematically, with tonight's topic being "Television."

Let's start, shall we?

First off, let's begin with the Biffmeister himself, although I'm including him in "TV" because he was also Coach Fredericks in one of my all-time favorite shows, Freaks and Geeks. Say hello to Tom Wilson:



Let's move on to another cool show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I've already posted Juliet Landau (Drusilla), but here are Julie Benz (Darla) and Mark Metcalf (The Master- Buffy's best "Big Bad.")




Seinfeld gave us Morty and Helen Seinfeld, Poppy, and The Soup Nazi:







The show I have the most signatures from is Batman- representing the good guys are Adam West, Burt Ward, and Yvonne Craig:





We get the bad guys in the personae of Julie (Rowr!!!) Newmar and the late Frank Gorshin:




Finally, last but not least- Carol Cleveland of Monty Python fame, Peter Tork of the Monkees, and David "Bud Bundy" Faustino:





Within the next day or two, I'll post another batch under a different theme.

Smell ya later!

Chiller Theatre- April 2007

Wow! It's certainly been a while, hasn't it? Nearly two whole months without a peep from me. How did any of you ever make it?

A lot has happened, but I've been too durn busy to really write any of it down- I've got quite a few posts in me that I hope to put up soon.

For now, though, I just want to post the pictures from the latest Chiller Show. This one was at a new hotel, which was much nicer than the the one the previous two shows were at. It was a smaller show, too, with maybe only about half the guests as usual. Which meant I actually went home with money in my pocket.

Here's my latest autograph round up:

Let's start off with a Playmate- Miss July, 1959, Yvette Vickers. You may also remember her from Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman and MST3K fodder, The Giant Leeches.


Next is Eric Roberts. I was surprised to see him at one of these shows, and even more surprised to find out he was a really nice guy. Very friendly with everyone.


You may not recognize his face, but I'm sure you'd recognize his voice(s)- Billy West from the Howard Stern Show, and the voice of Stimpy, Fry, Dr. Zoidberg, the green M&M, the Honeynut Cheerios Bee, and many, many more:


(BTW- true story- once, while listening to Stern on the way to work, Billy had me laughing so hard I nearly got into an accident. I had to pull the car over.)

Anybody who had a TV in the 70s has seen at least one of Mason Reese's commercials- he did tons. Remember his commercials for Underwood Deviled Ham? Do you remember the word "borgasmord"?


Finally, here's local horror host and living legend, Zacherley:

Convention Finds #5- Battle Royale

Wow! Can it be nearly one month since I last posted? Hmmm... this watching the baby thing is a little more time consuming than I had originally expected. Well, I’ve got a little time now, so I think it’s time to dip back into my well of movies I’ve obtained from various conventions.

Battle Royale is probably one of my favorite movies. Depending on my mood, I’d probably place it in my top 10. Directed by Kinji Fukasaku and starring the great actor Takeshi “Beat” Kitano and large cast of kids, the movie was originally released in Japan in 2000 to much acclaim and financial success. However, the controversial nature of the film pretty much precluded it’s being released here, especially in the wake of the Columbine shootings.

The premise of the movie is this: in the near-future, as unemployment (especially among the young) rises, Japanese students and teens are becoming increasingly rebellious and violent. In an effort to curb this violence, the government enacts the “Millennium Education Reform” act (AKA “Battle Royale”), basically an organized method to channel this violence, and cull the herd, so to speak.

So- what happens? Let’s begin at the beginning-

The movie opens with a group of reporters trying to get an interview with the winner of the battle. Cut to a girl in a bloody school uniform. She smiles. Fade to black...

A senior class is on a bus, traveling to their graduation trip. As the bus goes through a tunnel, they are suddenly gassed into unconsciousness. When they wake up, they are in what appears to be an abandoned school. A former teacher (Kitano) of theirs who had been stabbed by one of the students several years earlier explains what has happened.

They have been randomly selected to compete in the Battle Royale. They have been shipped to a remote island where, over the next 48 hours, they will be fighting each other to the death until only one student left is left alive. If, at the end of that time, more than one student is alive, all of them will be killed. To make the game more interesting, they have all been fitted with explosive necklaces. At certain times during the game random areas of the island will be declared off-limits. Any students in those areas at the time will have their necklaces exploded.

Each student is given a pack of survival gear and sent out to begin the game. The packs are all they will be given to help them fight. The items in the packs range from the very useful (Uzis, axes, knives, pistols) to somewhat less so (a paper fan, binoculars, a megaphone).

From here on out, what could simply have devolved into a splatterfest a la Saw or Hostel, where we see a lot of blood and guts spilled from characters we don’t care too much about or know too much about (given the size of the cast (44 students), it’s to be expected that the movie would not have enough time to flesh them all out). But the movie throws us for a loop- we start to care about the kids. Part of it, I think, is that it’s easy to feel empathy for their situation- they’ve committed no crime other than being young, and now they have to kill or be killed.

The reactions of the students are pretty realistic- a few just freak out and become easy targets. Some of the students hide themselves and try to figure out ways to beat the system. Others band together and hope that that maybe more than one will be allowed to make it out alive.

One of the layers of the movie is the director understands the cliquishness of high school and the drama of simply being a teenager. How do you shoot someone you’ve known all your life? Does knowing she’s the school’s stuck bitch make it easier for you to pull the trigger? Or does the fact that you’ve secretly had a crush on her make it harder to shoot her, even as she’s coming at you with a gun of her own?

Or what do you do when you think that one of your best friends may have poisoned you? Even though you've known her your whole life, and she denies it, she did try to steal your boyfriend that one time...

Out of all the students, the ones we spend the most time with are a young couple, Noriko and Nanahara, and Kawada, someone they’d never seen before. Kawada, it turns out, won a previous Battle Royale, but only after he ended up killing his girlfriend. Somehow he got kidnapped to participate in this one, and to atone for his girlfriend’s death, promises to help Noriko and Nanahara get off the island. This will be no easy task, especially since there is one more ringer in the mix- an unnamed psychotic who signed up to play simply because he wanted to kill people, a task which he proves to be very skilled at.

The movie manages to keep the suspense levels high as we can never be sure who’s going to survive. Although some of the kids prove to be surprisingly good at killing, dumb luck and fate help even the playing field a bit. Just when you think someone is going to do well, and maybe have a chance to win the game, they’ll get offed.

I won’t spoil the ending to reveal who wins, although most people will probably figure it out before the movie’s end, even despite the twists and turns getting there. This one that’s definitely worth searching for.

Sweet dreams

I had a strange dream the other night. Funny thing is, even though I woke up thinking to myself how screwy the dream was, about 5 minutes later, I had forgotten everything about it. Which, I think, is typical for most people and their dreams.

I do, however, have several recurring dreams that I remember clearly. What they say about me is anyone's guess, but, since I can't think of anything else to write about right now, I guess I'll bare my psyche to the world.

• One of the earliest dreams I can remember is the dream where I'm handicapped- I was usually either blind or suddenly unable to walk, occasionally both. I haven't had that dream in ages- it seemed to fade after elementary school.
  
• Possibly the strangest recurring dream I've had is the "Night of the Living Dead" scenario in which I was the last person left alive in a world of zombies. This dream was nearly always triggered by my watching a movie in which someone came back from the dead. However, neither Shaun of the Dead nor The Greatest Story Ever Told triggered this dream.
  
• That dream where I'm in school and look down and realize I'm naked. I stopped having this dream after I graduated. Then it became the dream where I'm at work and look down and realize I'm naked.
  

I haven't had any of those dreams in years, though. The only recurring dream I have now is the one where it's the last day of the semester and I suddenly realize that there's once class I failed to show up for, and, in fact, I'd completely forgotten it was on my schedule. Of course, it's an important class, and I need an "A" in it if I'm going to graduate.

Whenever I'm stressed, this is the dream that I have. In some cases it's so vivid that even after waking up, I have to convince myself I'm not back in school.

So- any of you have any weird dreams you want to share? Or any analyses of what's really going on this sick, twisted brain of mine?

Well, how did I get here?

Not having any real ideas on what to write about, I decided to do something no blogger's ever done before- write about the searches people use to find my site.

Sadly, most of the links to my site come from me going there directly, but there are a few people who've found me via help from our old pal Google.

No fewer that three people have found me by searching for Kymberli Durden and her demonic dolls. Scary that there are people out there who would actually buy these things. Frankly, I'd rather take my chances with a Zuni warrior doll, but what do I know?

Also high on the list were people looking for more information on Estus Pirkle. I hope my commentary on "If Footmen Tire You..." was of some help to them.

Then there were the stranger searches- someone was looking for cartoons about the ebola virus (I didn't realize I had even referenced ebola in any of my posts). Someone looking for "R2D2 Pinewood Derby Cars" managed to locate me. Someone from Australia was Googling Princess Leia, found me and tagged me.

The coolest one, though, was the editor of "Geek Monthly" who somehow found my review of his magazine. I feel bad that the review was so negative, but he emailed me, and he seemed like a nice enough guy. Plus, he's going to send me a copy of #2. So, this whole blogging thing is paying off.

Finally, in a blatant attempt to attract more viewers:

Britney Spears Lindsay Lohan Jenna Jameson X-Men Naked Vampire Slayer Playmate

I guess it's been a long time...

I know I haven't put up anything new in a while, so I apologize to the two or three of you out there who actually read this blog. Ever since my wife went back to work, and I've had to take care of the baby at night, I haven't had time to do much writing. I'm not complaining- playing with my daughter gives me a lot more pleasure than reviewing videotapes I bought at a convention, but I still want to get back to the blog.

Anyway, I was inspired to write the above by the strange dream I had last night. I dreamed I logged onto the site, and found that my blog had been taken over by a stranger whose posts consisted of either attacks on me, or thinly-disguised ads for various on-line services. I have no idea what that dream says about my psychological well-being, but I figured it was a sign to get back to the keyboard.

I hope that I'll be able to post another review or two this weekend, although I really have no idea what it's going to be about. Let's see if I can do it.

Tag- You're It!

Someone from Australia blog-tagged me, so I figured I’d get in on the fun. Basically, you tag five people and hope they continue the game. Also, you've got to list 5 facts about yourself.

First, I'll list my tagging method, then the tagged. After that, come the 5 facts.

I used a highly scientific method to do the tag- I have two friends on my blog list- Edward and Samantha, so I decided to use them to do a six degrees of separation thingy. Basically, I went to Edward’s site, clicked on of his friends links, then clicked on a friends link there, and so on until I was 6 blogs away. I did two with Edward, and two with Samantha. For the fifth one, I used that method with the guy who tagged me originally.

And who are the 5 blogs who got tagged?

Why, they’re

bomb diggities
Countthesheep
Memoirs of an Evil Genius
Modish
A Yankee in Bermuda

5 Facts about me:

1. When I was 8, I won the Indian Guides Pinewood derby competition. Sadly, the trophy I got was the first and only sports-related trophy I ever received.
2. I'm the proud owner of a copy of "Amazing Fantasy" #15, featuring the first appearance of Spider-Man.
3. I met my wife when I was on vacation in Ecuador. She was working the front desk of the hotel I was staying at. I spent two weeks gawking at her before I worked up the nerve to ask her out. The rest is history.
4. My favorite cities- in the US, it's New Orleans. In the rest of the world, it's Tokyo.
5. At the present time, I am totally kicking butt on Guitar Hero II.

Convention Find #4- The Star Wars Holiday Special

A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to spend two weeks in Australia. The hotel where I was staying had a pretty nice breakfast buffet. My first morning there I tried a traditional Australian food known as Vegemite. It was horrendous! I had never tasted anything so awful before, and I couldn’t believe that the fine folks at Kraft were trying to pass this off as food.

My second day there, I had some Vegemite again. Why? Simple. I thought to myself that it couldn’t have been as awful as I remembered, so I wanted to try it to make sure. It was as awful as I remembered.

Which brings us to my latest Convention Find- The Star Wars Holiday Special, the Vegemite of TV Specials. It’s so awful you have to watch it again just to assure yourself that you weren’t hallucinating its awfulness the first time you saw it.

In 1977, Star Wars (I refuse to call it “A New Hope” or “Episode Four”- we all called it “Star Wars” when it came out, and “Star Wars” it will remain) was released and was a huge financial success. It permeated the culture and helped revive the moribund science fiction genre in movies. It was inevitable that there would be a sequel (even if George Lucas hadn’t already planned out a 9 episode arc).

Skip ahead to 1978. The Empire Strikes Back is still some months away, and Kenner’s got a buttload of new “Star Wars” toys that it wants to sell at Christmas. How do you keep the franchise in the forefront of everyone’s minds? Why, a Christmas Special, of course. But since the series takes place “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away”, the show can’t actually refer to Christmas. So, the producers make up the Wookiee holiday “Life Day,” and center the story around Chewbacca’s family as they await Chewie’s return for the big holiday.

We start off with scenes pulled from the movie- the Millennium Falcon is trying to escape some Imperial Ships. Cut to inside, where Han and Chewy exposit a bit about how Han has never let Chewie down before when he needed to get home for Life Day. (Incidentally, despite the fact that this is an official Star Wars movie, and most of the major players from the movie appear in it, they do not use any of the actual sets. That explains why the interiors of the Millennium Falcon have a somewhat cardboardy look to them.)

Cut to the credits.

When we return, we meet the members of Chewie’s family: his wife, Mala; his father, Itchy; and his son, Lumpy. (Yes- Itchy, Lumpy and Chewie. Do all Wookiee men have adjectives for names?) They are having a typical Wookiee day- Mala’s doing housework, Itchy is sitting around, and morbidly obese Lumpy is trying to steal some cookiees, err... cookies. (Actually, later we’ll find out they’re actually called “Wookiee-Ookiees.” Gah.) They also talk to each other in that roaring Wookiee language. This goes on for 10 minutes (I timed it with my VCR), with nary a subtitle to help us out.

Finally, something happens- Lumpy walks over to one of those holographic chess tables from the first movie, and spends 5 minutes watching some proto-Cirque du Soleil shenanigans set to boring New Age music.

Mala walks over to a viewscreen and sees a message that there are no starships in the vicinity. She then opens a secret panel, which reveals another viewscreen. She uses this to call our next guest stars, Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker and R2-D2. This special must have been shot not too long after Hamill’s motorcycle accident, because the skin on his face (especially around is eyes) is oddly tight and plasticy, and he is made-up to almost Tammy Faye Bakker levels. Mala tells him she is worried about Chewie, and he reassures her that her husband will be home before too long. Their conversation is in what I like to call “Lassie-speak”, where Mala roars something in Wookiee, Luke repeats what she said in English (for the benefit of us who are non-proficient Wookiee speakers), and then answers her. You know, like this:

Mala: “Roar, Rooowwwer!”
Luke: “What’s that Mala? You’re worried about Chewbacca? Don’t worry, he’ll be home soon.”
Mala: “Growlllll... Growllll”
Luke: “Do I think he’s going to bring you lots of presents? Of course he is.”

And so on.

(You know, if I were having a conversation with someone and the first part of their reply was always a restatement of what I told them, I’d probably end up roaring and growling at them, too.)

Anyway, the rocket engine Luke is working on suddenly starts emitting copious amounts of smoke, so Luke signs off.

Next, Mala contacts Saun Dan, a trader. Saun Dan is played by Art Carney- a very overweight Art Carney who seems unable to button up his shirt. What follows is a brief sketch where an imperial Storm Trooper is looking to buy a personal groomer. I’m not sure if this sketch is supposed to be funny, or if it was even rehearsed beforehand- the pacing is very odd, with a lot of pauses, as if the two were just improvising the whole scene. After the trooper leaves, Saun Dan gives Mala the same type of assurances (in Lassie-speak) that Luke gave her.

Quick cut to one of the Imperial battleships, where Darth Vader is talking to one of his officers about the Millennium Falcon’s escape, and how they must search every house on the planet to find the two rebels. This scene was obviously taken from the movie and then overdubbed, as the officer’s mouth in no way matches the words that are coming out it.

Back at Casa de Bacca, we get what is intended to be a comedy sketch. Mala is preparing Bantha Rump for dinner, and she turns on a cooking show to see how it’s done. The show features Harvey Korman as Goormanda, a Julia Child-type cook with four arms. The four arms allow Goormanda to prepare the food much faster than Mala, who has trouble keeping up. Mala gets flustered and turns off the TV. Comedy gold!

Out in space, the Millennium Falcon is still trying to evade the Imperial forces. An announcement comes over the viewscreen that a blockade is now in place around the planet, and the Empire has declared martial law.

Saun Dan comes to visit the ‘Bacca house, and brings Life Day presents for the family. What follows is a truly disturbing scene- Itchy’s present is a memory chip, which Saun Dan describes as being very “Wow!” Itchy sits in a virtual reality chair, inserts the chip, and then puts a helmet on. Itchy smiles widely as Diahanne Carroll appears. She tells Itchy that she is his fantasy, and that he should enjoy and experience her fully. Then she sings a truly awful song. Itchy meanwhile grins lewdly and starts breathing heavily. At the end of the song, we see him lying back in the chair with a very satisfied look on his face. He probably needed a cigarette at that point.

Ignoring the her post-coital father-in-law (can you be post-coital if you’re by yourself?), Mala goes back to the viewscreen and calls Princess Leia and C-3PO. Judging by her glazed expression, and eyes that are all pupil, Leia is played by what looks to be a pre-rehab Carrie Fisher. Leia and 3PO give Mala the same assurances that Luke did, and sign off.

Back on the Falcon, Han and Chewie have broken through the Imperial blockade, and decide to land in a safe area in the north section of the planet. They’ll have to walk from there. (Apparently, the Wookiees live on a pretty small planet.)

Mala hears a knock on the door, and rushes over, assuming it’s her husband. Unfortunately, it’s two Imperial officers and two stormtroopers, who proceed to search the house. They nearly discover Mala’s hidden communicator, but Saun Dan distracts them by suggesting that Mala prepare food for everyone. He also gives one of the officers a video to watch. This one features Jefferson Starship doing a song that is almost as good as “We Built This City.”

After the video, the search continues, with the stormtroopers going upstairs to Lumpy’s room. To show how evil they are, the troopers rip the head off of Lumpy’s stuffed Bantha. While this is going on, Lumpy stays distracted by watching a cartoon of his father’s adventures:

The Millennium Falcon crashes on a water planet. Luke, Leia, R2 and 3PO go after them, and run into Boba Fett, who wants to help them. They all board the Falcon, where Han has been infected by a mysterious sleeping virus caused by an ancient talisman. Luke immediately contracts the virus as well. Fett tells Chewie that he can get a cure in a nearby, Imperial-occupied city. Once there, Fett instructs Chewie to stay behind while he gets the cure. After he’s away from Chewie, Fett contacts Darth Vader and informs him of the situation. He tells Vader he will deliver the rebels to him. On the Falcon, as C-3PO is caring for Han and Luke, he and R2-D2 intercept the message. Fett and Chewie return to the Falcon, and cure Han and Luke. After they recover, 3PO tells everyone about Fett’s plan. Fett ignites his jet pack and blasts away, promising that he will meet them all again. Everyone then returns to the rebel base on board the Falcon.

After the cartoon is over, and the stormtroopers have moved to another part of the house, Lumpy goes back to his room and opens the present that Saun Dan gave him. It’s a bunch of electronic parts and an instructional video. The video, our next bit of “comedy”, features Harvey Korman as a malfunctioning robot who acts out the assembly instructions for the kit. The hilarity consists of video and audio tomfoolery that make Korman look like a Max Headroom precursor.

Downstairs, the stormtroopers are still searching the house as the viewscreen comes on. A voice-over announces that the program, “Life On Tattoine”, is required viewing for everyone. We then cut to the Mos Eisley cantina, which is run by Bea Arthur. Harvey Korman shows up as his third character (the guy’s a veritable Peter Sellers)- an alien who drinks by pouring liquids into the hole on the top of his head. Stormtroopers enter the bar, declare martial law (again!), and order everyone to their homes. Arthur ushers everyone out by singing a song. And, yes, it was probably the awfulness of the song rather than the martial law that caused everyone to leave the bar.

All of a sudden, the troopers get a transmission telling them to return to base. All but one leave. The remaining trooper discovers that the return to base is not an official command, but is coming from the kit the Lumpy built. He destroys the kit, and then chases Lumpy downstairs and outside the house.

As soon as they’re outside, Chewie and Han show up. Chewie rescues Lumpy by casually strolling across the porch and standing between him and the trooper. Han, meanwhile, sneaks up behind the trooper and knocks a blaster out of his hands. The trooper then conveniently trips, falls over a railing and plummets to his death to the forest below. (Did I mention that Wookiees live in big treehouses, hundreds of feet in the air? Well, they do.)

With Chewie reunited with his family, they can have their Life Day celebration. This consists of dressing in red graduation robes, holding glowing spheres and walking through outer space with a bunch of other Wookiees. When they reach their destination, they are met by Han, Luke, Leia, C-3PO and R2D2. Leia sings a Life Day song (very off-key), set vaguely to John Williams’ “Star Wars Theme” as Chewie flashes back to all of his adventures from Star Wars.

The end.

Looking back at what I’ve written, I see my summary takes up nearly 4 pages in Word, which would imply that something happened during this show. Nothing could be further from the truth. For two hours (including commercials), we are forced to watch interminable scenes of Wookiee growls followed poorly paced and horribly unfunny “comedy” sketches. Or, for a change of pace, we get amazingly awful songs.

Everyone looks uncomfortable in this- most give off a “I’m only doing this because I’m contractually obligated” vibe. Carrie Fisher seems to have gotten through it only by being highly medicated.

I started off this review with the joke about Vegemite. At least, I intended it to be a joke until I watched this video again. It had been at least 5 years since the last time I watched the show, and I wanted to see it again so I could write with it fresh in my mind. But, my goodness, it truly was painful to watch. I was glad I had it on tape so I could fast forward through all the boring parts (which comprise about 95% of the show). In a complete turnabout from the way most people watch TV shows on video, I fast-forwarded through the show just so I could get to the commercials, which were infinitely more entertaining than the program which surrounded them.

I was at a loss to describe how terrible this production is, until I was hit by this thought: George Lucas has said there will never be an official, Lucas-approved version released on DVD. Ever. Lucas is proud of The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith and has released them in deluxe DVD editions. But no Holiday Special DVD.

Heck- you can get Howard the Duck on DVD. But not The Star Wars Holiday Special. It’s that bad.

Convention Find #3- If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?

In the late 1960s, Ron Ormond was nearly killed in a plane crash, and, as a result, became a born-again Christian. Prior to the crash, Ormond had directed and/or produced such exploitation fare as Mesa of Lost Women, Outlaw Women, The Monster and the Stripper, and so forth. With his new outlook on life, he decided to leave such sleazy entertainment behind and to produce movies that would help spread the Word. His first effort, If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, shows that while you can take the man out of the exploitation world, you can’t take the exploitation world from the man.

To make this film, Ormond teamed up with Rev. Estus Pirkle to film one of the reverend’s sermons, and added some dramatizations to round out the film. The idea was to show this movie to congregations and warn them of the danger to the United States if our country falls away from God’s word. Since this was the 1970s, there was only one real danger to worry about- a Communist takeover!

We begin with the credits rolling over some uniformed men on horseback. An off-screen voice asks, “Reverend Pirkle, are the pictures we about to see true fact, or are they figments of your imagination?” Of course, we know Pirkle’s reply- “I can document every statement in this film. And all of the documented re-enactments are taken from actual events that have taken place in Russia, Korea, China, and Cuba, where the communists have already taken over. The only difference is that we’re using Americans to emphasize that the same thing can and will happen.... if they take over.” (And by Americans he means white, small-town Southerners.)

With the credits over, the movie can start. We see Judy being driven to church by some guy who we assume is her boyfriend. Judy, like all the women in this movie, is dressed in some very 70s clothes, and has an elaborately ugly hairdo. As they arrive in church, we realize Judy is a sinner- she says she is only showing up for the sake of appearances. Her boyfriend won’t go in because “[He’s] not a Christian, [he’s] a lover.”

Judy enters the church and takes a pew near the front. We see the church is full of very bored-looking parishioners, and then we see the source of their boredom. We cut to a very tight shot of Rev. Pirkle as he begins his sermon. Get used to seeing Pirkle’s face in close-up- I’d say at least 50-60% of the movie consists of this shot. (Another good portion of the film is footage of people getting gunned down, as we will see.)

Pirkle begins by asking if his parishioners are concerned about their country, about rising crime rates, riots on college campuses, if they think things are getting better. He tells them that there must be a revival in America within the next 24 months, otherwise God completely forsake America and go to another country at the Second Coming instead (He scares his parishioners by saying that maybe God will save Brazil or Indonesia instead of the US). In addition, America will be taken over by the Communists! He warns us that there are “footmen” around us, weakening our minds and wills, and eventually enabling the Communists to take us over.

What kind of footmen do we have to watch out for? Let’s see- there are the violent and sex-filled cartoons on TV. In fact, TV is bad in and of itself. According to Pirkle’s carefully researched facts, TV has increased crime by 1000%! And TV will turn people away from reading the Bible! To illustrate this, we get a POV shot from inside a television, showing a young boy watching what must be an exciting TV show (probably a sexy violent cartoon), because he is getting very wound up watching it. Sitting next to him is Dad, trying so hard to read his Bible, but getting increasingly distracted by Junior and his pornographic anime. Eventually, Dad puts the Bible away and joins in on the fun with his son.

What are some other footmen? How about drive-ins (“a spawning house for sex!”) or dancing (“Just as wrong as it’s always been! It’s the front door to adultery! The thing that started on the dance floor is expected to be finished in a parked car or a motel somewhere!”) This really gets to Judy, as she has an acid flashback to that time she put on make-up, danced with some guy, and drank some alcohol (presumably after watching TV).

And with all this moral weakening, the true horrors will come- America will fall under the boot of Communism. How? Well, Pirkle and Ormond skimp on the details- all we see is a clip of a TV anchorman telling his audience that the president, his chief advisors and the governors of several states have been killed. According to Pirkle, it will only take 15 minutes for all of this to happen.

And now comes the fun part, as Ormond reaches into his exploitation bag of tricks to show us what life in America will be like under the Communists.

Initially, the persecution of Christians will consist of gunning as many of them down as possible, as demonstrated by shots of bloody, bullet-riddled bodies.

Then, they will come to take Christian children from their families to put them into re-education camps. If you resist, you will be gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of the bloody, bullet-riddled bodies of one kid’s parents). “What does re-education consist of?” you ask. The lesson will be very cunning and subtle- we see a Communist teacher asks his students to pray for Jesus Christ for candy, with no result. Then the children pray to Fidel Castro (Castro? Castro?!?!, you mean we end up getting conquered by the Cubans?) and voila!, a soldier just happens to come in and dump a bag of candy in the classroom! (Actually, the candy doesn’t look all that good. That's what you get for praying to a small-timer like Castro. I bet Brezhnev or Mao would have provided Milky Ways.)

And the atrocities mount. The soldiers come upon a man teaching a sermon in the middle of an open field (which seems to be a pretty stupid place to hold it, considering all the gunning down of Christians that is going on.) To prevent the kids from ever again hearing the word of God, one child has bamboo shoved in one ear and out the other. Luckily, the skull contains no vital organs because the kid seems to be pretty much OK, other than the fact that he vomits profusely into the camera. (And I must give Ormond and the kid points for the truly effective vomit- it’s not quite Linda Blair in The Exorcist, but it still looks pretty cool.)

We see other forms of torture- people being forced to stare for hours at a wall 7” away from them, causing their vision to blur; a man is kept out in the hot sun with no water for days, and is then force-fed salt; people must sit on hard benches from 5AM to 10PM listening to Communist propaganda. (Side note: The dialog in this part of the film may be familiar to any Negativland fans out there. Pirkle’s lines “Christianity is stupid,” “Communism is good,” “17 hours a day!” and a few others were later sampled for the song “Christianity is Stupid.”)

The soldiers next show up at the end of a church sermon, and pull aside a young couple who have just received Christ. As a reward, they are taken around the back and gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of their bloody, bullet-riddled bodies). When the rest of the parishioners run over to see what has happened, they are gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of their bloody, bullet-riddled bodies).

The last Christian left standing is a young boy who runs out of the church, carrying a picture of Jesus. The head soldier stops him, and, in an accent that changes from Bela Lugosi to Boris Badenov to Mississippi drawl (sometimes within the space of a few syllables), tells the kid that his parents are dead, but if he steps on the picture of Jesus, he will be well-taken care of. The kid contemplates this for a second, then looks off into space and says “Jeee-zzzuuuss, Yee-eew dahd fer mee-eee. Nay-ow, Ah wee-yull daah fer Yee-eew.” Whereupon the solder proceeds to gun hi.... er, wait- the soldier gets creative and saws the kid’s head off with a knife.

So, what about out harlot friend Judy? During all of these stories, we get occasional shots of her flashing back to her sinful life- the alcohol, the dancing, the pre-marital kissing. We also see her ignoring her aged Mama’s pleas to accept Jesus into her life. Finally, Mama has a heart attack and collapses into Judy’s arms. She tells Judy the only way she can be at rest is if Judy accepts Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior, and then dies. (Wow! Way to lay a really heavy guilt trip on your daughter!)

This memory, coupled with the story of the beheaded child, is too much for Judy. She screams “Noooo!” and runs up Rev. Pirkle to be saved. The acid must really be kicking in, because she also hallucinates her Mom is lying in her casket in front of her. (Surprisingly, they seemed to have buried Mama in the housedress and hairnet she was wearing when she died). Judy accepts Jesus, is saved, and will now go to Heaven when she dies.

Will you?

Hello Dollies!

We spent most of Thanksgiving week visiting my parents. While were there, my Mom received a copy of the Paradise Galleries catalog in the mail. For the large majority of you out there who haven’t heard of it, Paradise Galleries "offer[s] dolls by the world’s finest artists, painstakingly reproduced to their exacting standards at prices any collector can afford."

So, what do these dolls look like?

Brace yourself:

First up, have Thomas, an anatomically correct doll sculpted by Linda Spahic:

I hope Linda sculpted Thomas packing because that face ain't gonna get him a lot of women.

Anna Carter gives us this trio of cuteness:



You know- Morlocks are so adorable when they're young.

How about these kids from Kymberli Durden:

I think that "Kymberli Durden" is really Dr. Moreau in disguise.

Also from Kymberli Durden:



Mushmouth from the "Fat Albert Babies" Collection.

Another sweet treasure from Ms. Durden is anatomically correct Olivia:



I think Olivia's mom had a slight drinking problem while she was pregnant. In fact, Olivia looks like she was born with a hang-over.

By the way, this is Kymberli Durden:



If you see her on the street, do not make eye contact. Just keep walking.

Finally, from the "Hoochie Mama" collection, we have Margot:


According to the catalog, Margot "is a sultry vision in her lacy undergarments." She's crafted in Paradise Galleries "GentleTouch Vinyl." Aren't RealDolls also made of GentleTouch Vinyl?. (Although, I do think Margot's kind of hot. Am I going to Hell?)

Convention Find #2- Alternative 3

My previous review of Ghostwatch inspired me to start a series- “Convention Finds”- where I’ll review the various movies that I’ve picked up at conventions over the years. For this second part of the series, I’ve decided to keep with a theme established by Ghostwatch- the hoax film.

For a while the idea of extraterrestrial visitors was kind of in vogue among the public- there was Whitley Strieber’s Communion, Fox’s “Alien Autopsy”, “The X-Files” and the like all positing that there are aliens among us and the government is covering up this fact. (For the record, I believe that there is life on other planets, although I don’t think Earth has ever been visited by any alien life forms. To me, the evidence just isn’t there. However, I do like to read about unusual phenomena, so I briefly immersed myself in UFO lore.)

It was at this point that I first heard of Alternative 3- a documentary that had originally aired in Britain in 1977. Alternative 3 claimed that there was a vast conspiracy among the world’s governments which involved scientists that had gone missing, and secret space missions.

The show was part of an educational series called Science Report, and was hosted by Tim Brinton, a BBC announcer and future member of Parliament. It begins by investigating a “brain drain” going on in Britain, in which many of its top scientists, engineers, physicists, etc. were disappearing or dying under mysterious circumstances. One of the scientists- Dr. Ballantine- has left behind a mysterious videotape that is unplayable on standard equipment.

As the reporters delve farther into the mystery, evidence arises that points to the scientists having been involved in a secret American/Soviet plan in outer space. The evidence also suggests that space travel had been possible for much longer than was commonly accepted.

So what exactly was this secret plan? It seems scientists had determined that, due to massive pollution, the Earth's surface would be unable to support life for much longer. Three solutions to the problem were proposed: Alternative 1- detonating nuclear bombs in the stratosphere in order to allow the pollution to escape; Alternative 2- constructing an elaborate underground city; Alternative 3- populating Mars via a waystation on the Moon.

We see an interview with Apollo astronaut Bob Grodin who claims to have stumbled on a mysterious lunar base during his moonwalk. He tells the reporters that Ballantine’s videotape can only be played on machines equipped with a special decoding device. After the reporters secure such a device, we are treated to the smoking gun- the videotape depicts a landing on the Martian surface- in 1962! As Russian and American voices excitedly celebrate their achievement, something stirs beneath the Martian soil...

And then come the credits. You mean this was a work of fiction? (Yes- I realize this is how I ended my recap of Ghostwatch, but I believe in recycling.)

Yes- Alternative 3 is another BBC-sponsored prank (the show was originally to have aired on April 1. Due to some production snags, it didn’t premiere until June.) This one was both more and less effective than Ghostwatch. It was less effective because it didn’t cause the kinds of panicked reactions (and subsequent banning) of the latter show. But it was way more effective because this documentary really has legs- there are still people today who believe that what was shown in it was the truth.

I’m not qualified to give (nor am I very good at it when I try) any kind of psychological analysis of people who, for one reason or another, really need to believe in this kind of thing. As I said earlier, I believe in life on other planets, I just don’t think it’s made contact with us. I also believe that those in power cover up a lot of information, and tend to act in their own best interests over those of the people they’ve been chosen to govern. But there are many people who take this to the extreme and let it dominate their own critical facilities.

Looking at Alternative 3, it can feed paranoia- thirty years on, we are still worried about pollution, global warming, global cooling, and other environmental disasters, but our governments seem not be too concerned. Why, if environmental breakdown would also affect their lives, don’t they do something? Perhaps they do have a plan to help themselves at our expense.

Other UFOlogists have taken this and run with it. Milton William Cooper has stated that there was another alternative, which was elimination of vast segments of the population, possibly by biowarfare. AIDS was first seen only a few years this show. And what about Ebola, West Nile Virus and Bird Flu?

Well, surely the fact that there are acting and writing credits at the end of the show accounts for something? Nope- all part of clever disinformation process- disguise truth as fiction so that people will scoff at the truth-seekers.

Anyway- the DVD I have has a nice bonus feature- a videotape of a lecture at a UFO conference. The lecture starts off with the speaker showing the “Martian landing” segment. I didn’t describe this segment before, so let me do so now. It’s pretty cheesy- it starts off with aerial photography of a Mars lander flying over a desert-like landscape. The landscape fills most of the frame, although in the foreground we can see one of the legs of the lander. Every so often, the picture breaks into static. Whenever it comes back, we are a bit closer to Mars, and usually flying at a slightly different angle. (Hmm...) The picture goes out for an even longer time, and when it comes back the module has landed on the planet’s surface (Double Hmm...) Then comes the shocker- right by the lander’s leg, we see something is disturbing the soil. We don’t see whatever it is, we just see the soil being shifted as if something just under the surface is moving away. It looks kind of like those old cartoons where Bugs Bunny is traveling underground, and we see his path by the raised dirt.

There only audio is that off the audience watching this clip. There are a few muted “Ooohs” and “Aaahs” during the flight sequences, but I had to laugh at the reactions when the dirt started moving. The shocked “Oh my God”s are a wonder to hear. One gentleman just keeps muttering “Jesus, Jesus” over and over.

The lights come on and a large gentleman with a strange taste in clothes and an even stranger accent begins to speak about how this film was presented at a UFO conference and the experts point to this as proof beyond a reasonable doubt that there is life on Mars, and that it’s being covered up.

The rest of the lecture is pretty standard “X-Files” stuff, and not all that interesting to someone who isn’t fully into ET lore.

So, there you have it- my second Convention Find.

Another hoax.

Or is it? Maybe this review is part of the conspiracy, too.

Convention Find #1- Ghostwatch

Most Americans are familiar with Orson Welles’ broadcast of the War of the Worlds on some level. At the very least, they know that it fooled a lot of its listeners into thinking it was real, and caused a panic. What most of us on this side of the Atlantic don’t know is that Britain had its own Halloween panic- in 1992.

So- picture this. It’s Halloween eve, and you’re settling in to watch a program about “The Most Haunted House in Britain.” It’s being filmed live, with Michael Parkinson in the studio, Sarah Greene in the house, and Craig Charles outside interviewing neighbors and providing comic relief. (Parkinson is well-known in Britain as a talk show host and celebrity interviewer- think of a combination of Tom Brokaw and Phil Donahue. Sarah Greene worked in children’s programming, while Craig Charles is best known as Lister from Red Dwarf.) The documentary is called Ghostwatch and within a few hours it will become the first TV show ever to be cited in the British Medical Journal as having caused Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in children. It will also be banned from British TV for over 10 years.

So, what’s the fuss all about? In a nutshell, we learn of the Early family- divorced Mom Pam, and her two young daughters- teen Suzanne and 10-year-old Kim. They live in a row house in which they’ve been experiencing poltergeist phenomena, which they credit to “Pipes”, because the ghost first made himself known by banging on the plumbing. Through interviews with the Earlys and their neighbors, we learn of the legend of Mother Simmons- a 19th century nanny who lived in the area (perhaps right where the Earlys' house is now) and murdered several young children.

Pipes’ activities, at first, were pretty harmless- noises and such. As time went on, however, and things started getting more violent, Mrs. Early appealed to the Council to let them move to another house. The Council, finding no bylaws against poltergeists, refused, causing her to go the media with her complaint. This is how their story came to be used for the program.

We see some pretty interesting documentary materials from a psychiatrist’s examinations of the Early girls. Photos of scratches that appeared on Suzanne’s face, and a tape recording of the teen apparently possessed by the spirit of Pipes and speaking in an impossibly deep voice. There is also a videotape of the girls sleeping in their bedroom, culminating in an episode of things being hurled through the air and the children running out, screaming.

As the night goes on, we witness a few more paranormal events, although the most chilling one- involving strange knocks- seems to be a hoax by elder daughter Suzanne. In the studio, the hosts share ghost stories, interview skeptics and scientists, and take calls from the viewers. The viewers’ calls start getting stranger and stranger as they report paranormal events happening in their own houses, while at the Earlys’ house, the phenomena get stronger and more violent.

A social worker in the viewing audience calls in with some information about previous residents of the house. In the 60s, an elderly couple who lived there took in their mentally disturbed nephew, who had just been released from a psychiatric hospital where he had been confined for child abduction and molestation. The man claimed he was being possessed by the spirit of a woman, and had, in fact, started wearing dresses. One day, while his aunt and uncle were away on holiday, he killed himself by walking into the storeroom, where his tools were kept, tying one end of a length of wire around his throat, the other end around a lathe, and turning on the lathe. He wasn’t found for twelve days. During that time, his dozen or more cats, locked into the house with him, got hungry... and went to work on his face.

At the Earlys’, a strange wind is picking up, with the sounds of cats yowling mixed in. The attacks on the girls increase in violence, so the family and crew try to evacuate. We see Mrs. Early and the younger girl, Kimmy, make it out. In the house, Sarah and a camera man are looking for Suzanne- in a house now without lights, of course. She is heard calling from the store room. Sarah opens it, and despite the pleas of the camera man, reaches in to try and find her. She is jerked into the store room, the door slams shut...

In the studio, it's chaos. Lights are exploding, the winds are getting worse, floor supervisors are yelling for people to evacuate... and the screen goes black.

After a moment, one camera comes on, revealing a disoriented Parkinson wandering the set. He finds the one working camera, and notes that the teleprompter is operating, but only nonsense is showing. He reads it: “What big ears you have... what big eyes you have... fee fi fo fum, fee fi fo fum...” and as his reads, his voice deepens to the guttural tones of Pipes. Cut to black as cats yowl.

And then come the credits. You mean this was a work of fiction?

By this time, a lot of viewers in Britain were freaking out- the show seemed all too real. Michael Parkinson was a respected and well-liked talk show host, as was Sarah Greene for her work in Blue Peter. There were quite a few chilling moments in it, and there was something vaguely disturbing about those stories about Pipes.

I’d read about this show not to long after it aired, thanks to Fortean Times magazine- a British publication that covers strange phenomena. I really, really, really, wanted to see this show, but at the time it seemed hopeless. How was I going to see something that would never be aired in Britain again, let alone shown in America.

Time went by, and I forgot about the show until I visited a dealer’s table at a Chiller Convention. There it was- $20 for a DVD of the broadcast! Appropriately enough, I made this purchase right around Halloween 2002, the 10th anniversary of the broadcast. I got home from Chiller that night, to my condo where I lived alone, and popped the DVD in as daylight faded, and my living room got dark.

I started out watching the show with all the lights off, but I had to turn them on after about 30 minutes, and the lights stayed on all night. I knew the show was a work of fiction, but it still creeped me out- I can’t imagine how an unsuspecting audience would have reacted to it.

But what made it so scary?

First off, I think it starts off very believably, as most of what happens is low-key. Pipes’ voice is genuinely disturbing, and you get a few “Gotcha!” moments to make you jump. But there was something more...

It wasn’t until I started searching the internet that I found out what that something was- there are about 8-10 instances where Pipes is subliminally inserted into the picture. Most of the appearances are only 2 or 3 frames long, which mean it’s hard to get a good look at him even with a DVD’s ability to slow down and stop. In addition, rather than splice in a few frames of Pipes by himself, as was done with the demon faces that are spliced into The Exorcist, Pipes shows up in the background while the action is going on. He’s there too briefly to consciously register, but he does register. And I’m glad it’s only a subliminal shot- I saw a website that showed the actor playing Pipes in make-up, and all I can say is it’s a very disturbing make-up that he’s in (remember- the cats got to him before his body was found).

The show kind of goes off the rails towards the end as the studio starts going crazy- it’s an over-the-top ending for what the somewhat low-key and subtle scares of the first part. In a way, though, it’s good because the ridiculousness of the end lets you laugh a little and let off some of the tension the show generated.

It’s a shame the only official release of the show is a Region 2 DVD because I think there would be an audience for it in America, too. As it is, though, if you’re a geek you can probably find it pretty easily at comic or sci-fi conventions, or you can probably locate a copy on eBay. It’s definitely worth it.