Well, I’ve finally got a little time to devote to this blog, and I’ve decided to revive a feature called “Convention Finds”, wherein I review some of the various and sundry videos I’ve found while trolling the dealer tables.
Today’s little flick is Bad Ronald- a TV movie originally aired on October 23, 1974.
Let’s go back to 1970s- before there several hundred cable channels, before these channels broadcast 24 hours a day, before there were VCRs or DVD players. If you wanted to watch TV, you were at the mercy of the three major networks, PBS, and (if you were lucky to live near a large city) a few local UHF stations, all of which went off the air around 2 or 3 AM. To fill these limited viewing hours, the three majors aired more than just the standard sit-com and hour-long drama fare. They tried to be a bit more ambitious, and regularly aired their own movies.
And what movies they were- I remember my mom shuffling my sister and me off to bed so she could watch Helter Skelter, which carried a viewer warning that it might be too intense for younger viewer. I remember my mom being freaked out the day after seeing Trilogy of Terror, especially over the Zuni Doll episode. There was Steven Spielberg’s debut feature, Duel. There were two “Kolchak” movies, which led to the Nightstalker TV series. And there were so many more (Brian’s Song, Something for Joey, Born Innocent) that left their marks.
Looking back on these movies, they tended to have a lot in common. Their budgets were not that big, and some of the sets looked a little cheesy. Since “Made for TV” carried the same cachet as “Straight to video” does today, they didn’t really attract the big movie stars. Mostly they featured actors who had made their careers in television, and who weren’t appearing regularly in a series at the moment. The writing tended to be workmanlike, with the stories being efficiently told within the constraints of a 90-minute minus commercials running time. But the good ones certainly had a certain charm. And because of the previously-mentioned limited viewing options, they could reach a large audience, and, if they were especially memorable, could become part of the pop culture landscape.
Bad Ronald is one of those memorable movies- it certainly has a small cult following to this day. It’s got your TV character actor stalwarts- Dabney Coleman, John Fiedler, Linda Purl, Kim Hunter, and Pippa Scott. Buzz Kulik, the director, seems to have made quite a career out of directing TV movies- he also gave us Brian’s Song, and quite a few biographies (Babe, The Lindbergh Kidnapping, George Washington, Ziegfeld, and more). The script takes care of setting up the back-story quickly so we can get straight to the action, and resolves the story mighty quickly.
So what’s it all about?
Ronald is a high school geek who lives with his mom. In the first scene we learn that his parents are divorced and his mother wants Ronald to be a doctor so he can cure the unspecified medical condition that is slowly killing her. The other kids in school don’t like him, but his mom says it’s better that way- she can have him all to herself.
Ronald heads out to a popular girl’s house, where she and her popular friends are having a pool party. Of course, he gets laughed at when he asks her out, and he runs away, humiliated. He meets up with a 10-year-old girl, who also makes fun of him, telling him (and us) how disliked he is by the neighborhood. And to prove to us that she’s not lying about his defective personality, he knocks her down. The girl hits her head on a rock and dies.
The only thing Ronald can think of to do is to hide the body and then run home to confess everything to his mother. Mom feels that no one will ever believe that this was an accident, and that Ronald will never get to be a doctor, so she does the only sensible thing- she has Ronald wall off the door to a downstairs room, converting it into a secret room where Ronald can live until the whole thing blows over. She covers for Ronald when the police come by, telling them that he ran away.
Having nothing better to do while he’s waiting to be let out, he begins to create his own fantasy world. He writes and draws stories in which he is a prince, and he has a beautiful princess by his side. He makes occasional brief excursions out of his room to get food, but other than that, he’s pretty much a prisoner.
Some time later, Ronald’s mother gets sick and his taken to the hospital, where she dies. Ronald, unsure of what to do, remains in his secret room, drawing and writing. The house is soon sold to another family, one with three daughters. Ronald still makes the occasional food gathering trip, but now he has another reason to leave his prison- he has become infatuated with the youngest daughter, who, in Ronald’s mind, becomes the princess to his prince.
The family tries to shrug off the strange noises and disappearances of food, but it is affecting the youngest daughter, who thinks the house is haunted and that she’s being watched. As Ronald grows more delusional, he begins to see everyone as a threat to him and his “princess”. Things come to a head when he attacks the oldest sister’s boyfriend, imagining him as a devil that must be destroyed.
Things pick up rapidly from here, as Ronald is discovered. His hiding place is breached, the police arrest him, and he is dragged off to jail, crying and screaming.
A lot of people have fond memories of this movie, although, I must confess, I have no memory of it myself. (Strangely though, my wife remembers seeing it several times on TV in Ecuador.) So, when I managed to get a copy of it, I was able to look at it with fresh eyes, and without too many pre-conceived notions.
First off, I was surprised at how much of a dick Ronald was. He wasn’t somebody you could sympathize with easily. In fact, you can’t wait for him to get caught. From the beginning, when he maliciously knocks down and kills the little girl (and then buries the body), to the end when he stalks the youngest daughter, you find yourself liking him less and less.
I also like how there was really no fat in this script. This story had to be told in 74 minutes, and if that means that everyone must talk in exposition, well, then, dammit, exposition it will be. The movie opens on Ronald’s birthday where we learn his whole family history- you’ve got to wonder why Ronald and Mom have to remind each other of the divorce, or that, as part of the settlement Dad has agreed never to see Ronald again, or that mom is terribly ill. I liked that Ronald’s birthday presents were a tool kit and art supplies. Hmmm... do you think either one will play a part in future events?
Obviously, we are meant to see mom as someone who has an unhealthy level of influence on her child, as in Psycho or Carrie. But it’s a little too ham-handed, and Ronald is too much of a dick. If he were more sympathetic, like Carrie White, maybe we wouldn’t be rooting for him to get caught.
Still, all in all, this was a decent diversion. I’m not sure if I’ll ever watch it again, but at least now I can say I’ve seen it.
Showing posts with label Convention Finds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Convention Finds. Show all posts
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Convention Finds #5- Battle Royale
Wow! Can it be nearly one month since I last posted? Hmmm... this watching the baby thing is a little more time consuming than I had originally expected. Well, I’ve got a little time now, so I think it’s time to dip back into my well of movies I’ve obtained from various conventions.
Battle Royale is probably one of my favorite movies. Depending on my mood, I’d probably place it in my top 10. Directed by Kinji Fukasaku and starring the great actor Takeshi “Beat” Kitano and large cast of kids, the movie was originally released in Japan in 2000 to much acclaim and financial success. However, the controversial nature of the film pretty much precluded it’s being released here, especially in the wake of the Columbine shootings.
The premise of the movie is this: in the near-future, as unemployment (especially among the young) rises, Japanese students and teens are becoming increasingly rebellious and violent. In an effort to curb this violence, the government enacts the “Millennium Education Reform” act (AKA “Battle Royale”), basically an organized method to channel this violence, and cull the herd, so to speak.
So- what happens? Let’s begin at the beginning-
The movie opens with a group of reporters trying to get an interview with the winner of the battle. Cut to a girl in a bloody school uniform. She smiles. Fade to black...
A senior class is on a bus, traveling to their graduation trip. As the bus goes through a tunnel, they are suddenly gassed into unconsciousness. When they wake up, they are in what appears to be an abandoned school. A former teacher (Kitano) of theirs who had been stabbed by one of the students several years earlier explains what has happened.
They have been randomly selected to compete in the Battle Royale. They have been shipped to a remote island where, over the next 48 hours, they will be fighting each other to the death until only one student left is left alive. If, at the end of that time, more than one student is alive, all of them will be killed. To make the game more interesting, they have all been fitted with explosive necklaces. At certain times during the game random areas of the island will be declared off-limits. Any students in those areas at the time will have their necklaces exploded.
Each student is given a pack of survival gear and sent out to begin the game. The packs are all they will be given to help them fight. The items in the packs range from the very useful (Uzis, axes, knives, pistols) to somewhat less so (a paper fan, binoculars, a megaphone).
From here on out, what could simply have devolved into a splatterfest a la Saw or Hostel, where we see a lot of blood and guts spilled from characters we don’t care too much about or know too much about (given the size of the cast (44 students), it’s to be expected that the movie would not have enough time to flesh them all out). But the movie throws us for a loop- we start to care about the kids. Part of it, I think, is that it’s easy to feel empathy for their situation- they’ve committed no crime other than being young, and now they have to kill or be killed.
The reactions of the students are pretty realistic- a few just freak out and become easy targets. Some of the students hide themselves and try to figure out ways to beat the system. Others band together and hope that that maybe more than one will be allowed to make it out alive.
One of the layers of the movie is the director understands the cliquishness of high school and the drama of simply being a teenager. How do you shoot someone you’ve known all your life? Does knowing she’s the school’s stuck bitch make it easier for you to pull the trigger? Or does the fact that you’ve secretly had a crush on her make it harder to shoot her, even as she’s coming at you with a gun of her own?
Or what do you do when you think that one of your best friends may have poisoned you? Even though you've known her your whole life, and she denies it, she did try to steal your boyfriend that one time...
Out of all the students, the ones we spend the most time with are a young couple, Noriko and Nanahara, and Kawada, someone they’d never seen before. Kawada, it turns out, won a previous Battle Royale, but only after he ended up killing his girlfriend. Somehow he got kidnapped to participate in this one, and to atone for his girlfriend’s death, promises to help Noriko and Nanahara get off the island. This will be no easy task, especially since there is one more ringer in the mix- an unnamed psychotic who signed up to play simply because he wanted to kill people, a task which he proves to be very skilled at.
The movie manages to keep the suspense levels high as we can never be sure who’s going to survive. Although some of the kids prove to be surprisingly good at killing, dumb luck and fate help even the playing field a bit. Just when you think someone is going to do well, and maybe have a chance to win the game, they’ll get offed.
I won’t spoil the ending to reveal who wins, although most people will probably figure it out before the movie’s end, even despite the twists and turns getting there. This one that’s definitely worth searching for.
Battle Royale is probably one of my favorite movies. Depending on my mood, I’d probably place it in my top 10. Directed by Kinji Fukasaku and starring the great actor Takeshi “Beat” Kitano and large cast of kids, the movie was originally released in Japan in 2000 to much acclaim and financial success. However, the controversial nature of the film pretty much precluded it’s being released here, especially in the wake of the Columbine shootings.
The premise of the movie is this: in the near-future, as unemployment (especially among the young) rises, Japanese students and teens are becoming increasingly rebellious and violent. In an effort to curb this violence, the government enacts the “Millennium Education Reform” act (AKA “Battle Royale”), basically an organized method to channel this violence, and cull the herd, so to speak.
So- what happens? Let’s begin at the beginning-
The movie opens with a group of reporters trying to get an interview with the winner of the battle. Cut to a girl in a bloody school uniform. She smiles. Fade to black...
A senior class is on a bus, traveling to their graduation trip. As the bus goes through a tunnel, they are suddenly gassed into unconsciousness. When they wake up, they are in what appears to be an abandoned school. A former teacher (Kitano) of theirs who had been stabbed by one of the students several years earlier explains what has happened.
They have been randomly selected to compete in the Battle Royale. They have been shipped to a remote island where, over the next 48 hours, they will be fighting each other to the death until only one student left is left alive. If, at the end of that time, more than one student is alive, all of them will be killed. To make the game more interesting, they have all been fitted with explosive necklaces. At certain times during the game random areas of the island will be declared off-limits. Any students in those areas at the time will have their necklaces exploded.
Each student is given a pack of survival gear and sent out to begin the game. The packs are all they will be given to help them fight. The items in the packs range from the very useful (Uzis, axes, knives, pistols) to somewhat less so (a paper fan, binoculars, a megaphone).
From here on out, what could simply have devolved into a splatterfest a la Saw or Hostel, where we see a lot of blood and guts spilled from characters we don’t care too much about or know too much about (given the size of the cast (44 students), it’s to be expected that the movie would not have enough time to flesh them all out). But the movie throws us for a loop- we start to care about the kids. Part of it, I think, is that it’s easy to feel empathy for their situation- they’ve committed no crime other than being young, and now they have to kill or be killed.
The reactions of the students are pretty realistic- a few just freak out and become easy targets. Some of the students hide themselves and try to figure out ways to beat the system. Others band together and hope that that maybe more than one will be allowed to make it out alive.
One of the layers of the movie is the director understands the cliquishness of high school and the drama of simply being a teenager. How do you shoot someone you’ve known all your life? Does knowing she’s the school’s stuck bitch make it easier for you to pull the trigger? Or does the fact that you’ve secretly had a crush on her make it harder to shoot her, even as she’s coming at you with a gun of her own?
Or what do you do when you think that one of your best friends may have poisoned you? Even though you've known her your whole life, and she denies it, she did try to steal your boyfriend that one time...
Out of all the students, the ones we spend the most time with are a young couple, Noriko and Nanahara, and Kawada, someone they’d never seen before. Kawada, it turns out, won a previous Battle Royale, but only after he ended up killing his girlfriend. Somehow he got kidnapped to participate in this one, and to atone for his girlfriend’s death, promises to help Noriko and Nanahara get off the island. This will be no easy task, especially since there is one more ringer in the mix- an unnamed psychotic who signed up to play simply because he wanted to kill people, a task which he proves to be very skilled at.
The movie manages to keep the suspense levels high as we can never be sure who’s going to survive. Although some of the kids prove to be surprisingly good at killing, dumb luck and fate help even the playing field a bit. Just when you think someone is going to do well, and maybe have a chance to win the game, they’ll get offed.
I won’t spoil the ending to reveal who wins, although most people will probably figure it out before the movie’s end, even despite the twists and turns getting there. This one that’s definitely worth searching for.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Convention Find #4- The Star Wars Holiday Special
A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to spend two weeks in Australia. The hotel where I was staying had a pretty nice breakfast buffet. My first morning there I tried a traditional Australian food known as Vegemite. It was horrendous! I had never tasted anything so awful before, and I couldn’t believe that the fine folks at Kraft were trying to pass this off as food.
My second day there, I had some Vegemite again. Why? Simple. I thought to myself that it couldn’t have been as awful as I remembered, so I wanted to try it to make sure. It was as awful as I remembered.
Which brings us to my latest Convention Find- The Star Wars Holiday Special, the Vegemite of TV Specials. It’s so awful you have to watch it again just to assure yourself that you weren’t hallucinating its awfulness the first time you saw it.
In 1977, Star Wars (I refuse to call it “A New Hope” or “Episode Four”- we all called it “Star Wars” when it came out, and “Star Wars” it will remain) was released and was a huge financial success. It permeated the culture and helped revive the moribund science fiction genre in movies. It was inevitable that there would be a sequel (even if George Lucas hadn’t already planned out a 9 episode arc).
Skip ahead to 1978. The Empire Strikes Back is still some months away, and Kenner’s got a buttload of new “Star Wars” toys that it wants to sell at Christmas. How do you keep the franchise in the forefront of everyone’s minds? Why, a Christmas Special, of course. But since the series takes place “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away”, the show can’t actually refer to Christmas. So, the producers make up the Wookiee holiday “Life Day,” and center the story around Chewbacca’s family as they await Chewie’s return for the big holiday.
We start off with scenes pulled from the movie- the Millennium Falcon is trying to escape some Imperial Ships. Cut to inside, where Han and Chewy exposit a bit about how Han has never let Chewie down before when he needed to get home for Life Day. (Incidentally, despite the fact that this is an official Star Wars movie, and most of the major players from the movie appear in it, they do not use any of the actual sets. That explains why the interiors of the Millennium Falcon have a somewhat cardboardy look to them.)
Cut to the credits.
When we return, we meet the members of Chewie’s family: his wife, Mala; his father, Itchy; and his son, Lumpy. (Yes- Itchy, Lumpy and Chewie. Do all Wookiee men have adjectives for names?) They are having a typical Wookiee day- Mala’s doing housework, Itchy is sitting around, and morbidly obese Lumpy is trying to steal some cookiees, err... cookies. (Actually, later we’ll find out they’re actually called “Wookiee-Ookiees.” Gah.) They also talk to each other in that roaring Wookiee language. This goes on for 10 minutes (I timed it with my VCR), with nary a subtitle to help us out.
Finally, something happens- Lumpy walks over to one of those holographic chess tables from the first movie, and spends 5 minutes watching some proto-Cirque du Soleil shenanigans set to boring New Age music.
Mala walks over to a viewscreen and sees a message that there are no starships in the vicinity. She then opens a secret panel, which reveals another viewscreen. She uses this to call our next guest stars, Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker and R2-D2. This special must have been shot not too long after Hamill’s motorcycle accident, because the skin on his face (especially around is eyes) is oddly tight and plasticy, and he is made-up to almost Tammy Faye Bakker levels. Mala tells him she is worried about Chewie, and he reassures her that her husband will be home before too long. Their conversation is in what I like to call “Lassie-speak”, where Mala roars something in Wookiee, Luke repeats what she said in English (for the benefit of us who are non-proficient Wookiee speakers), and then answers her. You know, like this:
Mala: “Roar, Rooowwwer!”
Luke: “What’s that Mala? You’re worried about Chewbacca? Don’t worry, he’ll be home soon.”
Mala: “Growlllll... Growllll”
Luke: “Do I think he’s going to bring you lots of presents? Of course he is.”
And so on.
(You know, if I were having a conversation with someone and the first part of their reply was always a restatement of what I told them, I’d probably end up roaring and growling at them, too.)
Anyway, the rocket engine Luke is working on suddenly starts emitting copious amounts of smoke, so Luke signs off.
Next, Mala contacts Saun Dan, a trader. Saun Dan is played by Art Carney- a very overweight Art Carney who seems unable to button up his shirt. What follows is a brief sketch where an imperial Storm Trooper is looking to buy a personal groomer. I’m not sure if this sketch is supposed to be funny, or if it was even rehearsed beforehand- the pacing is very odd, with a lot of pauses, as if the two were just improvising the whole scene. After the trooper leaves, Saun Dan gives Mala the same type of assurances (in Lassie-speak) that Luke gave her.
Quick cut to one of the Imperial battleships, where Darth Vader is talking to one of his officers about the Millennium Falcon’s escape, and how they must search every house on the planet to find the two rebels. This scene was obviously taken from the movie and then overdubbed, as the officer’s mouth in no way matches the words that are coming out it.
Back at Casa de Bacca, we get what is intended to be a comedy sketch. Mala is preparing Bantha Rump for dinner, and she turns on a cooking show to see how it’s done. The show features Harvey Korman as Goormanda, a Julia Child-type cook with four arms. The four arms allow Goormanda to prepare the food much faster than Mala, who has trouble keeping up. Mala gets flustered and turns off the TV. Comedy gold!
Out in space, the Millennium Falcon is still trying to evade the Imperial forces. An announcement comes over the viewscreen that a blockade is now in place around the planet, and the Empire has declared martial law.
Saun Dan comes to visit the ‘Bacca house, and brings Life Day presents for the family. What follows is a truly disturbing scene- Itchy’s present is a memory chip, which Saun Dan describes as being very “Wow!” Itchy sits in a virtual reality chair, inserts the chip, and then puts a helmet on. Itchy smiles widely as Diahanne Carroll appears. She tells Itchy that she is his fantasy, and that he should enjoy and experience her fully. Then she sings a truly awful song. Itchy meanwhile grins lewdly and starts breathing heavily. At the end of the song, we see him lying back in the chair with a very satisfied look on his face. He probably needed a cigarette at that point.
Ignoring the her post-coital father-in-law (can you be post-coital if you’re by yourself?), Mala goes back to the viewscreen and calls Princess Leia and C-3PO. Judging by her glazed expression, and eyes that are all pupil, Leia is played by what looks to be a pre-rehab Carrie Fisher. Leia and 3PO give Mala the same assurances that Luke did, and sign off.
Back on the Falcon, Han and Chewie have broken through the Imperial blockade, and decide to land in a safe area in the north section of the planet. They’ll have to walk from there. (Apparently, the Wookiees live on a pretty small planet.)
Mala hears a knock on the door, and rushes over, assuming it’s her husband. Unfortunately, it’s two Imperial officers and two stormtroopers, who proceed to search the house. They nearly discover Mala’s hidden communicator, but Saun Dan distracts them by suggesting that Mala prepare food for everyone. He also gives one of the officers a video to watch. This one features Jefferson Starship doing a song that is almost as good as “We Built This City.”
After the video, the search continues, with the stormtroopers going upstairs to Lumpy’s room. To show how evil they are, the troopers rip the head off of Lumpy’s stuffed Bantha. While this is going on, Lumpy stays distracted by watching a cartoon of his father’s adventures:
The Millennium Falcon crashes on a water planet. Luke, Leia, R2 and 3PO go after them, and run into Boba Fett, who wants to help them. They all board the Falcon, where Han has been infected by a mysterious sleeping virus caused by an ancient talisman. Luke immediately contracts the virus as well. Fett tells Chewie that he can get a cure in a nearby, Imperial-occupied city. Once there, Fett instructs Chewie to stay behind while he gets the cure. After he’s away from Chewie, Fett contacts Darth Vader and informs him of the situation. He tells Vader he will deliver the rebels to him. On the Falcon, as C-3PO is caring for Han and Luke, he and R2-D2 intercept the message. Fett and Chewie return to the Falcon, and cure Han and Luke. After they recover, 3PO tells everyone about Fett’s plan. Fett ignites his jet pack and blasts away, promising that he will meet them all again. Everyone then returns to the rebel base on board the Falcon.
After the cartoon is over, and the stormtroopers have moved to another part of the house, Lumpy goes back to his room and opens the present that Saun Dan gave him. It’s a bunch of electronic parts and an instructional video. The video, our next bit of “comedy”, features Harvey Korman as a malfunctioning robot who acts out the assembly instructions for the kit. The hilarity consists of video and audio tomfoolery that make Korman look like a Max Headroom precursor.
Downstairs, the stormtroopers are still searching the house as the viewscreen comes on. A voice-over announces that the program, “Life On Tattoine”, is required viewing for everyone. We then cut to the Mos Eisley cantina, which is run by Bea Arthur. Harvey Korman shows up as his third character (the guy’s a veritable Peter Sellers)- an alien who drinks by pouring liquids into the hole on the top of his head. Stormtroopers enter the bar, declare martial law (again!), and order everyone to their homes. Arthur ushers everyone out by singing a song. And, yes, it was probably the awfulness of the song rather than the martial law that caused everyone to leave the bar.
All of a sudden, the troopers get a transmission telling them to return to base. All but one leave. The remaining trooper discovers that the return to base is not an official command, but is coming from the kit the Lumpy built. He destroys the kit, and then chases Lumpy downstairs and outside the house.
As soon as they’re outside, Chewie and Han show up. Chewie rescues Lumpy by casually strolling across the porch and standing between him and the trooper. Han, meanwhile, sneaks up behind the trooper and knocks a blaster out of his hands. The trooper then conveniently trips, falls over a railing and plummets to his death to the forest below. (Did I mention that Wookiees live in big treehouses, hundreds of feet in the air? Well, they do.)
With Chewie reunited with his family, they can have their Life Day celebration. This consists of dressing in red graduation robes, holding glowing spheres and walking through outer space with a bunch of other Wookiees. When they reach their destination, they are met by Han, Luke, Leia, C-3PO and R2D2. Leia sings a Life Day song (very off-key), set vaguely to John Williams’ “Star Wars Theme” as Chewie flashes back to all of his adventures from Star Wars.
The end.
Looking back at what I’ve written, I see my summary takes up nearly 4 pages in Word, which would imply that something happened during this show. Nothing could be further from the truth. For two hours (including commercials), we are forced to watch interminable scenes of Wookiee growls followed poorly paced and horribly unfunny “comedy” sketches. Or, for a change of pace, we get amazingly awful songs.
Everyone looks uncomfortable in this- most give off a “I’m only doing this because I’m contractually obligated” vibe. Carrie Fisher seems to have gotten through it only by being highly medicated.
I started off this review with the joke about Vegemite. At least, I intended it to be a joke until I watched this video again. It had been at least 5 years since the last time I watched the show, and I wanted to see it again so I could write with it fresh in my mind. But, my goodness, it truly was painful to watch. I was glad I had it on tape so I could fast forward through all the boring parts (which comprise about 95% of the show). In a complete turnabout from the way most people watch TV shows on video, I fast-forwarded through the show just so I could get to the commercials, which were infinitely more entertaining than the program which surrounded them.
I was at a loss to describe how terrible this production is, until I was hit by this thought: George Lucas has said there will never be an official, Lucas-approved version released on DVD. Ever. Lucas is proud of The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith and has released them in deluxe DVD editions. But no Holiday Special DVD.
Heck- you can get Howard the Duck on DVD. But not The Star Wars Holiday Special. It’s that bad.
My second day there, I had some Vegemite again. Why? Simple. I thought to myself that it couldn’t have been as awful as I remembered, so I wanted to try it to make sure. It was as awful as I remembered.
Which brings us to my latest Convention Find- The Star Wars Holiday Special, the Vegemite of TV Specials. It’s so awful you have to watch it again just to assure yourself that you weren’t hallucinating its awfulness the first time you saw it.
In 1977, Star Wars (I refuse to call it “A New Hope” or “Episode Four”- we all called it “Star Wars” when it came out, and “Star Wars” it will remain) was released and was a huge financial success. It permeated the culture and helped revive the moribund science fiction genre in movies. It was inevitable that there would be a sequel (even if George Lucas hadn’t already planned out a 9 episode arc).
Skip ahead to 1978. The Empire Strikes Back is still some months away, and Kenner’s got a buttload of new “Star Wars” toys that it wants to sell at Christmas. How do you keep the franchise in the forefront of everyone’s minds? Why, a Christmas Special, of course. But since the series takes place “a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away”, the show can’t actually refer to Christmas. So, the producers make up the Wookiee holiday “Life Day,” and center the story around Chewbacca’s family as they await Chewie’s return for the big holiday.
We start off with scenes pulled from the movie- the Millennium Falcon is trying to escape some Imperial Ships. Cut to inside, where Han and Chewy exposit a bit about how Han has never let Chewie down before when he needed to get home for Life Day. (Incidentally, despite the fact that this is an official Star Wars movie, and most of the major players from the movie appear in it, they do not use any of the actual sets. That explains why the interiors of the Millennium Falcon have a somewhat cardboardy look to them.)
Cut to the credits.
When we return, we meet the members of Chewie’s family: his wife, Mala; his father, Itchy; and his son, Lumpy. (Yes- Itchy, Lumpy and Chewie. Do all Wookiee men have adjectives for names?) They are having a typical Wookiee day- Mala’s doing housework, Itchy is sitting around, and morbidly obese Lumpy is trying to steal some cookiees, err... cookies. (Actually, later we’ll find out they’re actually called “Wookiee-Ookiees.” Gah.) They also talk to each other in that roaring Wookiee language. This goes on for 10 minutes (I timed it with my VCR), with nary a subtitle to help us out.
Finally, something happens- Lumpy walks over to one of those holographic chess tables from the first movie, and spends 5 minutes watching some proto-Cirque du Soleil shenanigans set to boring New Age music.
Mala walks over to a viewscreen and sees a message that there are no starships in the vicinity. She then opens a secret panel, which reveals another viewscreen. She uses this to call our next guest stars, Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker and R2-D2. This special must have been shot not too long after Hamill’s motorcycle accident, because the skin on his face (especially around is eyes) is oddly tight and plasticy, and he is made-up to almost Tammy Faye Bakker levels. Mala tells him she is worried about Chewie, and he reassures her that her husband will be home before too long. Their conversation is in what I like to call “Lassie-speak”, where Mala roars something in Wookiee, Luke repeats what she said in English (for the benefit of us who are non-proficient Wookiee speakers), and then answers her. You know, like this:
Mala: “Roar, Rooowwwer!”
Luke: “What’s that Mala? You’re worried about Chewbacca? Don’t worry, he’ll be home soon.”
Mala: “Growlllll... Growllll”
Luke: “Do I think he’s going to bring you lots of presents? Of course he is.”
And so on.
(You know, if I were having a conversation with someone and the first part of their reply was always a restatement of what I told them, I’d probably end up roaring and growling at them, too.)
Anyway, the rocket engine Luke is working on suddenly starts emitting copious amounts of smoke, so Luke signs off.
Next, Mala contacts Saun Dan, a trader. Saun Dan is played by Art Carney- a very overweight Art Carney who seems unable to button up his shirt. What follows is a brief sketch where an imperial Storm Trooper is looking to buy a personal groomer. I’m not sure if this sketch is supposed to be funny, or if it was even rehearsed beforehand- the pacing is very odd, with a lot of pauses, as if the two were just improvising the whole scene. After the trooper leaves, Saun Dan gives Mala the same type of assurances (in Lassie-speak) that Luke gave her.
Quick cut to one of the Imperial battleships, where Darth Vader is talking to one of his officers about the Millennium Falcon’s escape, and how they must search every house on the planet to find the two rebels. This scene was obviously taken from the movie and then overdubbed, as the officer’s mouth in no way matches the words that are coming out it.
Back at Casa de Bacca, we get what is intended to be a comedy sketch. Mala is preparing Bantha Rump for dinner, and she turns on a cooking show to see how it’s done. The show features Harvey Korman as Goormanda, a Julia Child-type cook with four arms. The four arms allow Goormanda to prepare the food much faster than Mala, who has trouble keeping up. Mala gets flustered and turns off the TV. Comedy gold!
Out in space, the Millennium Falcon is still trying to evade the Imperial forces. An announcement comes over the viewscreen that a blockade is now in place around the planet, and the Empire has declared martial law.
Saun Dan comes to visit the ‘Bacca house, and brings Life Day presents for the family. What follows is a truly disturbing scene- Itchy’s present is a memory chip, which Saun Dan describes as being very “Wow!” Itchy sits in a virtual reality chair, inserts the chip, and then puts a helmet on. Itchy smiles widely as Diahanne Carroll appears. She tells Itchy that she is his fantasy, and that he should enjoy and experience her fully. Then she sings a truly awful song. Itchy meanwhile grins lewdly and starts breathing heavily. At the end of the song, we see him lying back in the chair with a very satisfied look on his face. He probably needed a cigarette at that point.
Ignoring the her post-coital father-in-law (can you be post-coital if you’re by yourself?), Mala goes back to the viewscreen and calls Princess Leia and C-3PO. Judging by her glazed expression, and eyes that are all pupil, Leia is played by what looks to be a pre-rehab Carrie Fisher. Leia and 3PO give Mala the same assurances that Luke did, and sign off.
Back on the Falcon, Han and Chewie have broken through the Imperial blockade, and decide to land in a safe area in the north section of the planet. They’ll have to walk from there. (Apparently, the Wookiees live on a pretty small planet.)
Mala hears a knock on the door, and rushes over, assuming it’s her husband. Unfortunately, it’s two Imperial officers and two stormtroopers, who proceed to search the house. They nearly discover Mala’s hidden communicator, but Saun Dan distracts them by suggesting that Mala prepare food for everyone. He also gives one of the officers a video to watch. This one features Jefferson Starship doing a song that is almost as good as “We Built This City.”
After the video, the search continues, with the stormtroopers going upstairs to Lumpy’s room. To show how evil they are, the troopers rip the head off of Lumpy’s stuffed Bantha. While this is going on, Lumpy stays distracted by watching a cartoon of his father’s adventures:
The Millennium Falcon crashes on a water planet. Luke, Leia, R2 and 3PO go after them, and run into Boba Fett, who wants to help them. They all board the Falcon, where Han has been infected by a mysterious sleeping virus caused by an ancient talisman. Luke immediately contracts the virus as well. Fett tells Chewie that he can get a cure in a nearby, Imperial-occupied city. Once there, Fett instructs Chewie to stay behind while he gets the cure. After he’s away from Chewie, Fett contacts Darth Vader and informs him of the situation. He tells Vader he will deliver the rebels to him. On the Falcon, as C-3PO is caring for Han and Luke, he and R2-D2 intercept the message. Fett and Chewie return to the Falcon, and cure Han and Luke. After they recover, 3PO tells everyone about Fett’s plan. Fett ignites his jet pack and blasts away, promising that he will meet them all again. Everyone then returns to the rebel base on board the Falcon.
After the cartoon is over, and the stormtroopers have moved to another part of the house, Lumpy goes back to his room and opens the present that Saun Dan gave him. It’s a bunch of electronic parts and an instructional video. The video, our next bit of “comedy”, features Harvey Korman as a malfunctioning robot who acts out the assembly instructions for the kit. The hilarity consists of video and audio tomfoolery that make Korman look like a Max Headroom precursor.
Downstairs, the stormtroopers are still searching the house as the viewscreen comes on. A voice-over announces that the program, “Life On Tattoine”, is required viewing for everyone. We then cut to the Mos Eisley cantina, which is run by Bea Arthur. Harvey Korman shows up as his third character (the guy’s a veritable Peter Sellers)- an alien who drinks by pouring liquids into the hole on the top of his head. Stormtroopers enter the bar, declare martial law (again!), and order everyone to their homes. Arthur ushers everyone out by singing a song. And, yes, it was probably the awfulness of the song rather than the martial law that caused everyone to leave the bar.
All of a sudden, the troopers get a transmission telling them to return to base. All but one leave. The remaining trooper discovers that the return to base is not an official command, but is coming from the kit the Lumpy built. He destroys the kit, and then chases Lumpy downstairs and outside the house.
As soon as they’re outside, Chewie and Han show up. Chewie rescues Lumpy by casually strolling across the porch and standing between him and the trooper. Han, meanwhile, sneaks up behind the trooper and knocks a blaster out of his hands. The trooper then conveniently trips, falls over a railing and plummets to his death to the forest below. (Did I mention that Wookiees live in big treehouses, hundreds of feet in the air? Well, they do.)
With Chewie reunited with his family, they can have their Life Day celebration. This consists of dressing in red graduation robes, holding glowing spheres and walking through outer space with a bunch of other Wookiees. When they reach their destination, they are met by Han, Luke, Leia, C-3PO and R2D2. Leia sings a Life Day song (very off-key), set vaguely to John Williams’ “Star Wars Theme” as Chewie flashes back to all of his adventures from Star Wars.
The end.
Looking back at what I’ve written, I see my summary takes up nearly 4 pages in Word, which would imply that something happened during this show. Nothing could be further from the truth. For two hours (including commercials), we are forced to watch interminable scenes of Wookiee growls followed poorly paced and horribly unfunny “comedy” sketches. Or, for a change of pace, we get amazingly awful songs.
Everyone looks uncomfortable in this- most give off a “I’m only doing this because I’m contractually obligated” vibe. Carrie Fisher seems to have gotten through it only by being highly medicated.
I started off this review with the joke about Vegemite. At least, I intended it to be a joke until I watched this video again. It had been at least 5 years since the last time I watched the show, and I wanted to see it again so I could write with it fresh in my mind. But, my goodness, it truly was painful to watch. I was glad I had it on tape so I could fast forward through all the boring parts (which comprise about 95% of the show). In a complete turnabout from the way most people watch TV shows on video, I fast-forwarded through the show just so I could get to the commercials, which were infinitely more entertaining than the program which surrounded them.
I was at a loss to describe how terrible this production is, until I was hit by this thought: George Lucas has said there will never be an official, Lucas-approved version released on DVD. Ever. Lucas is proud of The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith and has released them in deluxe DVD editions. But no Holiday Special DVD.
Heck- you can get Howard the Duck on DVD. But not The Star Wars Holiday Special. It’s that bad.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Convention Find #3- If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?
In the late 1960s, Ron Ormond was nearly killed in a plane crash, and, as a result, became a born-again Christian. Prior to the crash, Ormond had directed and/or produced such exploitation fare as Mesa of Lost Women, Outlaw Women, The Monster and the Stripper, and so forth. With his new outlook on life, he decided to leave such sleazy entertainment behind and to produce movies that would help spread the Word. His first effort, If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, shows that while you can take the man out of the exploitation world, you can’t take the exploitation world from the man.
To make this film, Ormond teamed up with Rev. Estus Pirkle to film one of the reverend’s sermons, and added some dramatizations to round out the film. The idea was to show this movie to congregations and warn them of the danger to the United States if our country falls away from God’s word. Since this was the 1970s, there was only one real danger to worry about- a Communist takeover!
We begin with the credits rolling over some uniformed men on horseback. An off-screen voice asks, “Reverend Pirkle, are the pictures we about to see true fact, or are they figments of your imagination?” Of course, we know Pirkle’s reply- “I can document every statement in this film. And all of the documented re-enactments are taken from actual events that have taken place in Russia, Korea, China, and Cuba, where the communists have already taken over. The only difference is that we’re using Americans to emphasize that the same thing can and will happen.... if they take over.” (And by Americans he means white, small-town Southerners.)
With the credits over, the movie can start. We see Judy being driven to church by some guy who we assume is her boyfriend. Judy, like all the women in this movie, is dressed in some very 70s clothes, and has an elaborately ugly hairdo. As they arrive in church, we realize Judy is a sinner- she says she is only showing up for the sake of appearances. Her boyfriend won’t go in because “[He’s] not a Christian, [he’s] a lover.”
Judy enters the church and takes a pew near the front. We see the church is full of very bored-looking parishioners, and then we see the source of their boredom. We cut to a very tight shot of Rev. Pirkle as he begins his sermon. Get used to seeing Pirkle’s face in close-up- I’d say at least 50-60% of the movie consists of this shot. (Another good portion of the film is footage of people getting gunned down, as we will see.)
Pirkle begins by asking if his parishioners are concerned about their country, about rising crime rates, riots on college campuses, if they think things are getting better. He tells them that there must be a revival in America within the next 24 months, otherwise God completely forsake America and go to another country at the Second Coming instead (He scares his parishioners by saying that maybe God will save Brazil or Indonesia instead of the US). In addition, America will be taken over by the Communists! He warns us that there are “footmen” around us, weakening our minds and wills, and eventually enabling the Communists to take us over.
What kind of footmen do we have to watch out for? Let’s see- there are the violent and sex-filled cartoons on TV. In fact, TV is bad in and of itself. According to Pirkle’s carefully researched facts, TV has increased crime by 1000%! And TV will turn people away from reading the Bible! To illustrate this, we get a POV shot from inside a television, showing a young boy watching what must be an exciting TV show (probably a sexy violent cartoon), because he is getting very wound up watching it. Sitting next to him is Dad, trying so hard to read his Bible, but getting increasingly distracted by Junior and his pornographic anime. Eventually, Dad puts the Bible away and joins in on the fun with his son.
What are some other footmen? How about drive-ins (“a spawning house for sex!”) or dancing (“Just as wrong as it’s always been! It’s the front door to adultery! The thing that started on the dance floor is expected to be finished in a parked car or a motel somewhere!”) This really gets to Judy, as she has an acid flashback to that time she put on make-up, danced with some guy, and drank some alcohol (presumably after watching TV).
And with all this moral weakening, the true horrors will come- America will fall under the boot of Communism. How? Well, Pirkle and Ormond skimp on the details- all we see is a clip of a TV anchorman telling his audience that the president, his chief advisors and the governors of several states have been killed. According to Pirkle, it will only take 15 minutes for all of this to happen.
And now comes the fun part, as Ormond reaches into his exploitation bag of tricks to show us what life in America will be like under the Communists.
Initially, the persecution of Christians will consist of gunning as many of them down as possible, as demonstrated by shots of bloody, bullet-riddled bodies.
Then, they will come to take Christian children from their families to put them into re-education camps. If you resist, you will be gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of the bloody, bullet-riddled bodies of one kid’s parents). “What does re-education consist of?” you ask. The lesson will be very cunning and subtle- we see a Communist teacher asks his students to pray for Jesus Christ for candy, with no result. Then the children pray to Fidel Castro (Castro? Castro?!?!, you mean we end up getting conquered by the Cubans?) and voila!, a soldier just happens to come in and dump a bag of candy in the classroom! (Actually, the candy doesn’t look all that good. That's what you get for praying to a small-timer like Castro. I bet Brezhnev or Mao would have provided Milky Ways.)
And the atrocities mount. The soldiers come upon a man teaching a sermon in the middle of an open field (which seems to be a pretty stupid place to hold it, considering all the gunning down of Christians that is going on.) To prevent the kids from ever again hearing the word of God, one child has bamboo shoved in one ear and out the other. Luckily, the skull contains no vital organs because the kid seems to be pretty much OK, other than the fact that he vomits profusely into the camera. (And I must give Ormond and the kid points for the truly effective vomit- it’s not quite Linda Blair in The Exorcist, but it still looks pretty cool.)
We see other forms of torture- people being forced to stare for hours at a wall 7” away from them, causing their vision to blur; a man is kept out in the hot sun with no water for days, and is then force-fed salt; people must sit on hard benches from 5AM to 10PM listening to Communist propaganda. (Side note: The dialog in this part of the film may be familiar to any Negativland fans out there. Pirkle’s lines “Christianity is stupid,” “Communism is good,” “17 hours a day!” and a few others were later sampled for the song “Christianity is Stupid.”)
The soldiers next show up at the end of a church sermon, and pull aside a young couple who have just received Christ. As a reward, they are taken around the back and gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of their bloody, bullet-riddled bodies). When the rest of the parishioners run over to see what has happened, they are gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of their bloody, bullet-riddled bodies).
The last Christian left standing is a young boy who runs out of the church, carrying a picture of Jesus. The head soldier stops him, and, in an accent that changes from Bela Lugosi to Boris Badenov to Mississippi drawl (sometimes within the space of a few syllables), tells the kid that his parents are dead, but if he steps on the picture of Jesus, he will be well-taken care of. The kid contemplates this for a second, then looks off into space and says “Jeee-zzzuuuss, Yee-eew dahd fer mee-eee. Nay-ow, Ah wee-yull daah fer Yee-eew.” Whereupon the solder proceeds to gun hi.... er, wait- the soldier gets creative and saws the kid’s head off with a knife.
So, what about out harlot friend Judy? During all of these stories, we get occasional shots of her flashing back to her sinful life- the alcohol, the dancing, the pre-marital kissing. We also see her ignoring her aged Mama’s pleas to accept Jesus into her life. Finally, Mama has a heart attack and collapses into Judy’s arms. She tells Judy the only way she can be at rest is if Judy accepts Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior, and then dies. (Wow! Way to lay a really heavy guilt trip on your daughter!)
This memory, coupled with the story of the beheaded child, is too much for Judy. She screams “Noooo!” and runs up Rev. Pirkle to be saved. The acid must really be kicking in, because she also hallucinates her Mom is lying in her casket in front of her. (Surprisingly, they seemed to have buried Mama in the housedress and hairnet she was wearing when she died). Judy accepts Jesus, is saved, and will now go to Heaven when she dies.
Will you?
To make this film, Ormond teamed up with Rev. Estus Pirkle to film one of the reverend’s sermons, and added some dramatizations to round out the film. The idea was to show this movie to congregations and warn them of the danger to the United States if our country falls away from God’s word. Since this was the 1970s, there was only one real danger to worry about- a Communist takeover!
We begin with the credits rolling over some uniformed men on horseback. An off-screen voice asks, “Reverend Pirkle, are the pictures we about to see true fact, or are they figments of your imagination?” Of course, we know Pirkle’s reply- “I can document every statement in this film. And all of the documented re-enactments are taken from actual events that have taken place in Russia, Korea, China, and Cuba, where the communists have already taken over. The only difference is that we’re using Americans to emphasize that the same thing can and will happen.... if they take over.” (And by Americans he means white, small-town Southerners.)
With the credits over, the movie can start. We see Judy being driven to church by some guy who we assume is her boyfriend. Judy, like all the women in this movie, is dressed in some very 70s clothes, and has an elaborately ugly hairdo. As they arrive in church, we realize Judy is a sinner- she says she is only showing up for the sake of appearances. Her boyfriend won’t go in because “[He’s] not a Christian, [he’s] a lover.”
Judy enters the church and takes a pew near the front. We see the church is full of very bored-looking parishioners, and then we see the source of their boredom. We cut to a very tight shot of Rev. Pirkle as he begins his sermon. Get used to seeing Pirkle’s face in close-up- I’d say at least 50-60% of the movie consists of this shot. (Another good portion of the film is footage of people getting gunned down, as we will see.)
Pirkle begins by asking if his parishioners are concerned about their country, about rising crime rates, riots on college campuses, if they think things are getting better. He tells them that there must be a revival in America within the next 24 months, otherwise God completely forsake America and go to another country at the Second Coming instead (He scares his parishioners by saying that maybe God will save Brazil or Indonesia instead of the US). In addition, America will be taken over by the Communists! He warns us that there are “footmen” around us, weakening our minds and wills, and eventually enabling the Communists to take us over.
What kind of footmen do we have to watch out for? Let’s see- there are the violent and sex-filled cartoons on TV. In fact, TV is bad in and of itself. According to Pirkle’s carefully researched facts, TV has increased crime by 1000%! And TV will turn people away from reading the Bible! To illustrate this, we get a POV shot from inside a television, showing a young boy watching what must be an exciting TV show (probably a sexy violent cartoon), because he is getting very wound up watching it. Sitting next to him is Dad, trying so hard to read his Bible, but getting increasingly distracted by Junior and his pornographic anime. Eventually, Dad puts the Bible away and joins in on the fun with his son.
What are some other footmen? How about drive-ins (“a spawning house for sex!”) or dancing (“Just as wrong as it’s always been! It’s the front door to adultery! The thing that started on the dance floor is expected to be finished in a parked car or a motel somewhere!”) This really gets to Judy, as she has an acid flashback to that time she put on make-up, danced with some guy, and drank some alcohol (presumably after watching TV).
And with all this moral weakening, the true horrors will come- America will fall under the boot of Communism. How? Well, Pirkle and Ormond skimp on the details- all we see is a clip of a TV anchorman telling his audience that the president, his chief advisors and the governors of several states have been killed. According to Pirkle, it will only take 15 minutes for all of this to happen.
And now comes the fun part, as Ormond reaches into his exploitation bag of tricks to show us what life in America will be like under the Communists.
Initially, the persecution of Christians will consist of gunning as many of them down as possible, as demonstrated by shots of bloody, bullet-riddled bodies.
Then, they will come to take Christian children from their families to put them into re-education camps. If you resist, you will be gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of the bloody, bullet-riddled bodies of one kid’s parents). “What does re-education consist of?” you ask. The lesson will be very cunning and subtle- we see a Communist teacher asks his students to pray for Jesus Christ for candy, with no result. Then the children pray to Fidel Castro (Castro? Castro?!?!, you mean we end up getting conquered by the Cubans?) and voila!, a soldier just happens to come in and dump a bag of candy in the classroom! (Actually, the candy doesn’t look all that good. That's what you get for praying to a small-timer like Castro. I bet Brezhnev or Mao would have provided Milky Ways.)
And the atrocities mount. The soldiers come upon a man teaching a sermon in the middle of an open field (which seems to be a pretty stupid place to hold it, considering all the gunning down of Christians that is going on.) To prevent the kids from ever again hearing the word of God, one child has bamboo shoved in one ear and out the other. Luckily, the skull contains no vital organs because the kid seems to be pretty much OK, other than the fact that he vomits profusely into the camera. (And I must give Ormond and the kid points for the truly effective vomit- it’s not quite Linda Blair in The Exorcist, but it still looks pretty cool.)
We see other forms of torture- people being forced to stare for hours at a wall 7” away from them, causing their vision to blur; a man is kept out in the hot sun with no water for days, and is then force-fed salt; people must sit on hard benches from 5AM to 10PM listening to Communist propaganda. (Side note: The dialog in this part of the film may be familiar to any Negativland fans out there. Pirkle’s lines “Christianity is stupid,” “Communism is good,” “17 hours a day!” and a few others were later sampled for the song “Christianity is Stupid.”)
The soldiers next show up at the end of a church sermon, and pull aside a young couple who have just received Christ. As a reward, they are taken around the back and gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of their bloody, bullet-riddled bodies). When the rest of the parishioners run over to see what has happened, they are gunned down (as demonstrated by shots of their bloody, bullet-riddled bodies).
The last Christian left standing is a young boy who runs out of the church, carrying a picture of Jesus. The head soldier stops him, and, in an accent that changes from Bela Lugosi to Boris Badenov to Mississippi drawl (sometimes within the space of a few syllables), tells the kid that his parents are dead, but if he steps on the picture of Jesus, he will be well-taken care of. The kid contemplates this for a second, then looks off into space and says “Jeee-zzzuuuss, Yee-eew dahd fer mee-eee. Nay-ow, Ah wee-yull daah fer Yee-eew.” Whereupon the solder proceeds to gun hi.... er, wait- the soldier gets creative and saws the kid’s head off with a knife.
So, what about out harlot friend Judy? During all of these stories, we get occasional shots of her flashing back to her sinful life- the alcohol, the dancing, the pre-marital kissing. We also see her ignoring her aged Mama’s pleas to accept Jesus into her life. Finally, Mama has a heart attack and collapses into Judy’s arms. She tells Judy the only way she can be at rest is if Judy accepts Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior, and then dies. (Wow! Way to lay a really heavy guilt trip on your daughter!)
This memory, coupled with the story of the beheaded child, is too much for Judy. She screams “Noooo!” and runs up Rev. Pirkle to be saved. The acid must really be kicking in, because she also hallucinates her Mom is lying in her casket in front of her. (Surprisingly, they seemed to have buried Mama in the housedress and hairnet she was wearing when she died). Judy accepts Jesus, is saved, and will now go to Heaven when she dies.
Will you?
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Convention Find #2- Alternative 3
My previous review of Ghostwatch inspired me to start a series- “Convention Finds”- where I’ll review the various movies that I’ve picked up at conventions over the years. For this second part of the series, I’ve decided to keep with a theme established by Ghostwatch- the hoax film.
For a while the idea of extraterrestrial visitors was kind of in vogue among the public- there was Whitley Strieber’s Communion, Fox’s “Alien Autopsy”, “The X-Files” and the like all positing that there are aliens among us and the government is covering up this fact. (For the record, I believe that there is life on other planets, although I don’t think Earth has ever been visited by any alien life forms. To me, the evidence just isn’t there. However, I do like to read about unusual phenomena, so I briefly immersed myself in UFO lore.)
It was at this point that I first heard of Alternative 3- a documentary that had originally aired in Britain in 1977. Alternative 3 claimed that there was a vast conspiracy among the world’s governments which involved scientists that had gone missing, and secret space missions.
The show was part of an educational series called Science Report, and was hosted by Tim Brinton, a BBC announcer and future member of Parliament. It begins by investigating a “brain drain” going on in Britain, in which many of its top scientists, engineers, physicists, etc. were disappearing or dying under mysterious circumstances. One of the scientists- Dr. Ballantine- has left behind a mysterious videotape that is unplayable on standard equipment.
As the reporters delve farther into the mystery, evidence arises that points to the scientists having been involved in a secret American/Soviet plan in outer space. The evidence also suggests that space travel had been possible for much longer than was commonly accepted.
So what exactly was this secret plan? It seems scientists had determined that, due to massive pollution, the Earth's surface would be unable to support life for much longer. Three solutions to the problem were proposed: Alternative 1- detonating nuclear bombs in the stratosphere in order to allow the pollution to escape; Alternative 2- constructing an elaborate underground city; Alternative 3- populating Mars via a waystation on the Moon.
We see an interview with Apollo astronaut Bob Grodin who claims to have stumbled on a mysterious lunar base during his moonwalk. He tells the reporters that Ballantine’s videotape can only be played on machines equipped with a special decoding device. After the reporters secure such a device, we are treated to the smoking gun- the videotape depicts a landing on the Martian surface- in 1962! As Russian and American voices excitedly celebrate their achievement, something stirs beneath the Martian soil...
And then come the credits. You mean this was a work of fiction? (Yes- I realize this is how I ended my recap of Ghostwatch, but I believe in recycling.)
Yes- Alternative 3 is another BBC-sponsored prank (the show was originally to have aired on April 1. Due to some production snags, it didn’t premiere until June.) This one was both more and less effective than Ghostwatch. It was less effective because it didn’t cause the kinds of panicked reactions (and subsequent banning) of the latter show. But it was way more effective because this documentary really has legs- there are still people today who believe that what was shown in it was the truth.
I’m not qualified to give (nor am I very good at it when I try) any kind of psychological analysis of people who, for one reason or another, really need to believe in this kind of thing. As I said earlier, I believe in life on other planets, I just don’t think it’s made contact with us. I also believe that those in power cover up a lot of information, and tend to act in their own best interests over those of the people they’ve been chosen to govern. But there are many people who take this to the extreme and let it dominate their own critical facilities.
Looking at Alternative 3, it can feed paranoia- thirty years on, we are still worried about pollution, global warming, global cooling, and other environmental disasters, but our governments seem not be too concerned. Why, if environmental breakdown would also affect their lives, don’t they do something? Perhaps they do have a plan to help themselves at our expense.
Other UFOlogists have taken this and run with it. Milton William Cooper has stated that there was another alternative, which was elimination of vast segments of the population, possibly by biowarfare. AIDS was first seen only a few years this show. And what about Ebola, West Nile Virus and Bird Flu?
Well, surely the fact that there are acting and writing credits at the end of the show accounts for something? Nope- all part of clever disinformation process- disguise truth as fiction so that people will scoff at the truth-seekers.
Anyway- the DVD I have has a nice bonus feature- a videotape of a lecture at a UFO conference. The lecture starts off with the speaker showing the “Martian landing” segment. I didn’t describe this segment before, so let me do so now. It’s pretty cheesy- it starts off with aerial photography of a Mars lander flying over a desert-like landscape. The landscape fills most of the frame, although in the foreground we can see one of the legs of the lander. Every so often, the picture breaks into static. Whenever it comes back, we are a bit closer to Mars, and usually flying at a slightly different angle. (Hmm...) The picture goes out for an even longer time, and when it comes back the module has landed on the planet’s surface (Double Hmm...) Then comes the shocker- right by the lander’s leg, we see something is disturbing the soil. We don’t see whatever it is, we just see the soil being shifted as if something just under the surface is moving away. It looks kind of like those old cartoons where Bugs Bunny is traveling underground, and we see his path by the raised dirt.
There only audio is that off the audience watching this clip. There are a few muted “Ooohs” and “Aaahs” during the flight sequences, but I had to laugh at the reactions when the dirt started moving. The shocked “Oh my God”s are a wonder to hear. One gentleman just keeps muttering “Jesus, Jesus” over and over.
The lights come on and a large gentleman with a strange taste in clothes and an even stranger accent begins to speak about how this film was presented at a UFO conference and the experts point to this as proof beyond a reasonable doubt that there is life on Mars, and that it’s being covered up.
The rest of the lecture is pretty standard “X-Files” stuff, and not all that interesting to someone who isn’t fully into ET lore.
So, there you have it- my second Convention Find.
Another hoax.
Or is it? Maybe this review is part of the conspiracy, too.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Convention Find #1- Ghostwatch
Most Americans are familiar with Orson Welles’ broadcast of the War of the Worlds on some level. At the very least, they know that it fooled a lot of its listeners into thinking it was real, and caused a panic. What most of us on this side of the Atlantic don’t know is that Britain had its own Halloween panic- in 1992.
So- picture this. It’s Halloween eve, and you’re settling in to watch a program about “The Most Haunted House in Britain.” It’s being filmed live, with Michael Parkinson in the studio, Sarah Greene in the house, and Craig Charles outside interviewing neighbors and providing comic relief. (Parkinson is well-known in Britain as a talk show host and celebrity interviewer- think of a combination of Tom Brokaw and Phil Donahue. Sarah Greene worked in children’s programming, while Craig Charles is best known as Lister from Red Dwarf.) The documentary is called Ghostwatch and within a few hours it will become the first TV show ever to be cited in the British Medical Journal as having caused Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in children. It will also be banned from British TV for over 10 years.
So, what’s the fuss all about? In a nutshell, we learn of the Early family- divorced Mom Pam, and her two young daughters- teen Suzanne and 10-year-old Kim. They live in a row house in which they’ve been experiencing poltergeist phenomena, which they credit to “Pipes”, because the ghost first made himself known by banging on the plumbing. Through interviews with the Earlys and their neighbors, we learn of the legend of Mother Simmons- a 19th century nanny who lived in the area (perhaps right where the Earlys' house is now) and murdered several young children.
Pipes’ activities, at first, were pretty harmless- noises and such. As time went on, however, and things started getting more violent, Mrs. Early appealed to the Council to let them move to another house. The Council, finding no bylaws against poltergeists, refused, causing her to go the media with her complaint. This is how their story came to be used for the program.
I’d read about this show not to long after it aired, thanks to Fortean Times magazine- a British publication that covers strange phenomena. I really, really, really, wanted to see this show, but at the time it seemed hopeless. How was I going to see something that would never be aired in Britain again, let alone shown in America.
Time went by, and I forgot about the show until I visited a dealer’s table at a Chiller Convention. There it was- $20 for a DVD of the broadcast! Appropriately enough, I made this purchase right around Halloween 2002, the 10th anniversary of the broadcast. I got home from Chiller that night, to my condo where I lived alone, and popped the DVD in as daylight faded, and my living room got dark.
I started out watching the show with all the lights off, but I had to turn them on after about 30 minutes, and the lights stayed on all night. I knew the show was a work of fiction, but it still creeped me out- I can’t imagine how an unsuspecting audience would have reacted to it.
But what made it so scary?
First off, I think it starts off very believably, as most of what happens is low-key. Pipes’ voice is genuinely disturbing, and you get a few “Gotcha!” moments to make you jump. But there was something more...
It wasn’t until I started searching the internet that I found out what that something was- there are about 8-10 instances where Pipes is subliminally inserted into the picture. Most of the appearances are only 2 or 3 frames long, which mean it’s hard to get a good look at him even with a DVD’s ability to slow down and stop. In addition, rather than splice in a few frames of Pipes by himself, as was done with the demon faces that are spliced into The Exorcist, Pipes shows up in the background while the action is going on. He’s there too briefly to consciously register, but he does register. And I’m glad it’s only a subliminal shot- I saw a website that showed the actor playing Pipes in make-up, and all I can say is it’s a very disturbing make-up that he’s in (remember- the cats got to him before his body was found).
The show kind of goes off the rails towards the end as the studio starts going crazy- it’s an over-the-top ending for what the somewhat low-key and subtle scares of the first part. In a way, though, it’s good because the ridiculousness of the end lets you laugh a little and let off some of the tension the show generated.
It’s a shame the only official release of the show is a Region 2 DVD because I think there would be an audience for it in America, too. As it is, though, if you’re a geek you can probably find it pretty easily at comic or sci-fi conventions, or you can probably locate a copy on eBay. It’s definitely worth it.
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