A great apple cake recipe

This goes out to my friend Chrissi:


Prep Time: 25 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour, 55 minutes

Ingredients:
For the Apples:
* 4 large or 6 small firm apples, peeled and thinly sliced (I prefer Granny Smith)
* 3 tablespoons sugar
* 1 tablespoon cinnamon

For the Cake Batter:
* 3 cups unsifted flour
* 2 1/2 cups sugar
* 1 tablespoon baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup oil (such as expeller-pressed canola, grapeseed, or walnut)
* 4 unbeaten large eggs
* 1/3 cup orange juice
* 1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract

Preparation:
1. Preheat the oven to 350° (If you are using a dark or nonstick pan, reduce the heat by 25° F). Grease and flour a tube pan with a removable bottom, making sure to tap out excess flour.
2. In a large bowl, combine the apple slices, cinnamon and sugar. Toss together gently, making sure the apples are well coated with the cinnamon and sugar, and set aside.
3. In another large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Add the oil, eggs, orange juice, and vanilla, and beat just until smooth. The batter will be very thick.
4. Pour about 1/3 of the batter into the prepared tube pan. If necessary, use a spatula to spread the batter so it covers the bottom of the pan. Layer about 1/3 of the apple slices over the batter. Repeat with another layer of batter, then apples, then batter.
5. Arrange the final layer of apples decoratively in concentric circles over the batter, overlapping the apple slices slightly (they will spread out as the cake bakes). Drizzle the cake with a bit of the remaining cinnamon sugar “syrup” from the apple bowl.
6. Place the cake on a cookie sheet or on top of a piece of foil to catch any drips, and bake in the center of the preheated oven for 1 1/2 to 1 3/4 hours, or until a tester comes out clean and the top of the cake has a golden “crust.”
7. Allow the cake to cool in the pan on a wire rack. When cool, run a knife or spatula around the edge of the pan, and remove the outside of the cake pan. Gently run a knife or spatula between the cake and the pan bottom to loosen. Invert the cake over a plate and remove the pan bottom (the cake will be upside down on the plate.) Place a cake plate face down on the bottom side of the cake, and holding both plates, flip the cake, so it is right-side (apple-side) up. Enjoy!

Convention Finds- Bad Ronald

Well, I’ve finally got a little time to devote to this blog, and I’ve decided to revive a feature called “Convention Finds”, wherein I review some of the various and sundry videos I’ve found while trolling the dealer tables.

Today’s little flick is Bad Ronald- a TV movie originally aired on October 23, 1974.

Let’s go back to 1970s- before there several hundred cable channels, before these channels broadcast 24 hours a day, before there were VCRs or DVD players. If you wanted to watch TV, you were at the mercy of the three major networks, PBS, and (if you were lucky to live near a large city) a few local UHF stations, all of which went off the air around 2 or 3 AM. To fill these limited viewing hours, the three majors aired more than just the standard sit-com and hour-long drama fare. They tried to be a bit more ambitious, and regularly aired their own movies.

And what movies they were- I remember my mom shuffling my sister and me off to bed so she could watch Helter Skelter, which carried a viewer warning that it might be too intense for younger viewer. I remember my mom being freaked out the day after seeing Trilogy of Terror, especially over the Zuni Doll episode. There was Steven Spielberg’s debut feature, Duel. There were two “Kolchak” movies, which led to the Nightstalker TV series. And there were so many more (Brian’s Song, Something for Joey, Born Innocent) that left their marks.

Looking back on these movies, they tended to have a lot in common. Their budgets were not that big, and some of the sets looked a little cheesy. Since “Made for TV” carried the same cachet as “Straight to video” does today, they didn’t really attract the big movie stars. Mostly they featured actors who had made their careers in television, and who weren’t appearing regularly in a series at the moment. The writing tended to be workmanlike, with the stories being efficiently told within the constraints of a 90-minute minus commercials running time. But the good ones certainly had a certain charm. And because of the previously-mentioned limited viewing options, they could reach a large audience, and, if they were especially memorable, could become part of the pop culture landscape.

Bad Ronald is one of those memorable movies- it certainly has a small cult following to this day. It’s got your TV character actor stalwarts- Dabney Coleman, John Fiedler, Linda Purl, Kim Hunter, and Pippa Scott. Buzz Kulik, the director, seems to have made quite a career out of directing TV movies- he also gave us Brian’s Song, and quite a few biographies (Babe, The Lindbergh Kidnapping, George Washington, Ziegfeld, and more). The script takes care of setting up the back-story quickly so we can get straight to the action, and resolves the story mighty quickly.

So what’s it all about?

Ronald is a high school geek who lives with his mom. In the first scene we learn that his parents are divorced and his mother wants Ronald to be a doctor so he can cure the unspecified medical condition that is slowly killing her. The other kids in school don’t like him, but his mom says it’s better that way- she can have him all to herself.

Ronald heads out to a popular girl’s house, where she and her popular friends are having a pool party. Of course, he gets laughed at when he asks her out, and he runs away, humiliated. He meets up with a 10-year-old girl, who also makes fun of him, telling him (and us) how disliked he is by the neighborhood. And to prove to us that she’s not lying about his defective personality, he knocks her down. The girl hits her head on a rock and dies.

The only thing Ronald can think of to do is to hide the body and then run home to confess everything to his mother. Mom feels that no one will ever believe that this was an accident, and that Ronald will never get to be a doctor, so she does the only sensible thing- she has Ronald wall off the door to a downstairs room, converting it into a secret room where Ronald can live until the whole thing blows over. She covers for Ronald when the police come by, telling them that he ran away.

Having nothing better to do while he’s waiting to be let out, he begins to create his own fantasy world. He writes and draws stories in which he is a prince, and he has a beautiful princess by his side. He makes occasional brief excursions out of his room to get food, but other than that, he’s pretty much a prisoner.

Some time later, Ronald’s mother gets sick and his taken to the hospital, where she dies. Ronald, unsure of what to do, remains in his secret room, drawing and writing. The house is soon sold to another family, one with three daughters. Ronald still makes the occasional food gathering trip, but now he has another reason to leave his prison- he has become infatuated with the youngest daughter, who, in Ronald’s mind, becomes the princess to his prince.

The family tries to shrug off the strange noises and disappearances of food, but it is affecting the youngest daughter, who thinks the house is haunted and that she’s being watched. As Ronald grows more delusional, he begins to see everyone as a threat to him and his “princess”. Things come to a head when he attacks the oldest sister’s boyfriend, imagining him as a devil that must be destroyed.

Things pick up rapidly from here, as Ronald is discovered. His hiding place is breached, the police arrest him, and he is dragged off to jail, crying and screaming.

A lot of people have fond memories of this movie, although, I must confess, I have no memory of it myself. (Strangely though, my wife remembers seeing it several times on TV in Ecuador.) So, when I managed to get a copy of it, I was able to look at it with fresh eyes, and without too many pre-conceived notions.

First off, I was surprised at how much of a dick Ronald was. He wasn’t somebody you could sympathize with easily. In fact, you can’t wait for him to get caught. From the beginning, when he maliciously knocks down and kills the little girl (and then buries the body), to the end when he stalks the youngest daughter, you find yourself liking him less and less.

I also like how there was really no fat in this script. This story had to be told in 74 minutes, and if that means that everyone must talk in exposition, well, then, dammit, exposition it will be. The movie opens on Ronald’s birthday where we learn his whole family history- you’ve got to wonder why Ronald and Mom have to remind each other of the divorce, or that, as part of the settlement Dad has agreed never to see Ronald again, or that mom is terribly ill. I liked that Ronald’s birthday presents were a tool kit and art supplies. Hmmm... do you think either one will play a part in future events?

Obviously, we are meant to see mom as someone who has an unhealthy level of influence on her child, as in Psycho or Carrie. But it’s a little too ham-handed, and Ronald is too much of a dick. If he were more sympathetic, like Carrie White, maybe we wouldn’t be rooting for him to get caught.

Still, all in all, this was a decent diversion. I’m not sure if I’ll ever watch it again, but at least now I can say I’ve seen it.

A Trip Back to the 90s

I've been in a bit of a reflective mood lately- I've been listening to some of the tapes I made when I was a DJ at grad school, and have been pretty much going through a late 80s/early 90s music kick.

So, in lieu of actually writing anything, here's a brief glimpse into what was spinning in my CD player way back in the (first) Bush years:

First up- "The Mayor of Simpleton" by XTC. To me, the best unrecognized pop band ever.


Matthew Sweet's "Girlfriend"- from one of my all-time favorite albums


Lloyd Cole's "Weeping Wine"- the song appeals to the sap in me.


The Connell's "74-75"- an even more criminally overlooked band than XTC.


And, as a bonus, "Make a Circuit With Me" by The Polecats. I saw the video once when the song first came out (about 1982 or so), and it's stuck in my mind ever since then. Thanks to the miracle of YouTube, after 26 years, I've been able to see it again.

Chiller Theatre, Spring 2008

Well, another Spring, another Chiller, another half-assed lazy post from me.

For a Spring Chiller, this year's guest list was surprisingly large, with a lot of great first-time guests. I was kind of exhausted at this one, because we had my daughter's birthday party the day before, and spending the day wrangling a bunch of 2-5 year-olds can take a lot out of you.

Still, I got some good signatures. Plus, I decided to spend some time combing the dealer room, and got three great DVDs, all of which will be making appearances in my soon-to-be-revived "Convention Find" series. But for that to happen, I'll need a little free time to actually watch the movies.

Until then, though, enjoy my shots-



First up, we had appearances from a few of the stars of one of my favorite comedies ever, Clerks. At the top are Brian O'Halloran and Marilyn Ghigliotti, aka Dante Hicks and Veronica "37" Loughran.



Next, looking not a bit like his alter-ego, we have Jason Mewes, aka Jay.



Everyone's favorite TV Mom, Katie Sagal made an appearance, too.



Here we have Armin Shimerman, of "Star Trek: Deep Space 9", and, more importantly, weasely Principal Snyder from "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer."

Muxtapes

Found this cool new site that allows you to create playlists and upload songs on-line. I thought I'd give it a whirl- check out my first muxtape at madpuppy.muxtape.com

La Fantasma de Chillogallo

My last two posts covered some ghostly occurrences that I, in some way, personally witnessed. This story is something that happened to my wife before she met me.

First, a little bit of background on the layout of her parents’ house- it’s a one-floor dwelling, and it only has windows in the front. Because of this, the only rooms that get any outdoor light are the kitchen, the living room, and her parents’ bedroom. All of the other rooms have small skylights in their ceilings, which let in a little sunlight. In the daytime, these rooms tend to be quite dim without some sort of electric light. At night, they’re pretty much pitch black.

The layout of the house is such that the only way into or out of my wife’s old bedroom is through her sister’s room. Pilar’s room was pretty quiet and isolated from the rest of the house.

Another thing to consider is Ecuadorian cemeteries. They are not like we are used to in America- nice green areas where everyone is buried underground. They are a little spookier- tending to be a bunch of small, above-ground nooks where the bodies are stored. They tend to resemble the portions of New Orleans cemeteries where the poor are buried- no elaborate mausoleums, just spaces that are big enough to hold the body. And those are the nicer ones.

Not too long before I met Pilar, odd things started happening around the house, especially at night. There was the occasional strange noise, doors that were supposed to be closed were left open, and vice versa. A few nights, when she was trying to sleep, Pilar noticed someone entering her room and looking in her closet. Thinking it was her sister, she would ask her what she wanted. Of course, the response would come back from her sister’s room, and not from the figure near the closet. Turning on the light would reveal no one standing there. Pilar also started having weird dreams about skeletons and dead people, and so were other members of her family.

These things were weirding everyone out, because no one knew why they were happening. Finally her father broke down and confessed that he had recently been in a cemetery and had seen some interesting rocks lying around, so he picked them up and took them home. He placed these rocks in his bedroom closet. Not too long after that was when the weirdness started.

It turned out that these were not rocks, but were actually bones. Of course, everyone begged him to return them to he found them. He was stubborn, and refused to. Finally, though, something happened that scared him, although he would never say what it was. This was his breaking point, and he returned the bones to the cemetery. All the scariness stopped after that.

Ghosts of the Antinea

In an effort to thrill and chill all of my faithful readers, I've decided to go ahead and post a few more ghostly tales. These are all from the Hotel Antinea in Quito, Ecuador, where my wife used to work as the receptionist (and where I met her when I was on vacation).

I’m not really sure of the Antinea's history- it looks like a relatively old building- maybe 100 years or so, and perhaps was once a house that has been converted to a hotel. The front section has small rooms on the second. Most of these rooms face the street. In the back, there are 10 or so suites that all face out onto a small courtyard.

The most common occurrence is from guests who stay in the suites. Many of them ask about the blonde woman they saw in the courtyard. She has been described as having long hair, is dressed in an old-fashioned (19th century) style, and usually looks very sad. Most often she is seen looking in the windows of the suites, as if she’s searching from someone.

There’s also some weirdness going on in the single rooms, too. A few years ago, I went down there with my sister and some friends. My sister shared a room with my friend Olga. During the night they heard a lot of noise coming from the room next door- it sounded like someone was stumbling around drunkenly, moving furniture, and later they heard the sounds of vomiting coming from the room. The next day, they asked my wife if the guy in the room was OK. She told them that no one was in the room, and, in fact, it was completely empty as they were refurbishing it.

Room 12, though, seems to be the center of activity. Guests staying in the room have reported seeing a dark figure moving about at the foot of the bed. Usually the figure moves around the room and then jumps out the window into the garden below. The police have been called several times to investigate, and have searched the premises, but have never found anyone.

When I went to Ecuador to get married, I spent a couple nights before the wedding in that room. I never saw anything myself, but I did feel very uneasy, especially at night. For some reason, I was always too scared to look in any mirrors- I actively avoided them for my entire stay. I'd never gotten that feeling in any of the other rooms in the hotel. My wife actually didn't tell me about the other sightings until a couple years later- she figured that if I had known the stories, I wouldn't have wanted to stay in the room by myself (she’s right). She didn't even want to put me in the room at all, but the hotel was full that week, and that was the only room available. (That room is one of the nicest in the hotel, but, because of all the stories, they tend not to rent it out unless there are no other choices.)

So there you have it- a nice little haunted hotel in beautiful downtown Quito. If you’re ever in Ecuador, it’s definitely a nice place to stay. And, if you’re feeling especially brave, request Room 12.

Crazed Argentinian Gnome....

...or is it merely Maggie Simpson in her snowsuit?

I saw this posted on the UK Sun, about a gnome that's been plaguing a town in Argentina. The video's pretty creepy- whatever it is looks odd, especially the way it walks. You'll see it around the 35 second mark.

Ghosts of New Orleans

If you click the "Slambo" link, you'll end up at Samantha's blog, where you can read a pretty cool, and very spooky, story of one of her paranormal experiences.

That story inspired me to tell one of my own. Originally, I had planned to post this around Halloween (appropriately enough, the anniversary of the event), but laziness got in the way, and I never did write it up. But now, however, you're in luck...

Halloween fell on a Saturday in 1998, so my friends and I decided a good place to celebrate the day would be in New Orleans. It's the perfect time to be there, seeing as it's a party city, and I would give it my vote as the spookiest and most haunted city in the US.

The weekend was a lot of fun- we had some excellent food, went to a lot bars, got to go out in public in our costumes and go to more bars, and then eat some more. You really can't ask for a whole lot more in a vacation.

I was sharing a room with my friends Rob and Hemsley. Rob was leaving Sunday evening, while Hemsley and I were going home on Monday morning. Sunday was pretty slow-paced- we were recovering from the night before, and we just walked around town, enjoying the sights before we had to head back to our regular lives.

In the morning before we started out I noted that there was no more soap left in the bathroom. As Hems and I were headed out early the next day, I made sure to stop by the front desk and ask for a couple bars. The porter assured us he would drop some off for us.

We went out walking, had our last meal together, and took Rob to the airport. Afterwards, Hems and I walked around some more, had dinner and went back to the hotel. My first stop was the bathroom to check on the soap (I can get kind of obsessive about things like this), but there was none. I called down to the front desk and they said they would bring some right up.

Hems went straight to sleep, but, since I had a later flight, I stayed up reading and waiting for the soap. After a while, my bladder started to need emptying, but I wanted to hold off until the soap came. When it looked as if it was never going to arrive, I went to the bathroom to answer the call of nature.

So, I'm in the loo, attending to business when I think I hear someone knocking on the door. "Perfect!" I thought- the porter arrives when I'm indisposed. Well, my bladder wasn't going to stop emptying just so I could answer the door, so I figured the porter was going to have to wait until I was finished.

After I was all emptied out and I had washed my hands, I headed toward the door. First thing I did was look through the peephole, but there was no one out there. I opened the door to see if maybe he had left the soap outside...

(Before I continue, let me describe the hallway. We were staying in a small hotel just off the French Quarter. Our room was at the end of the hall- to the right was the elevator and nothing else. To our left were a few more rooms. The other side of the hall was one long wall- all the rooms were on one side of the hall. The hall itself was pretty narrow- I could lean against one wall and touch the other wall with my palm. Basically, I'm saying that if anyone else was in the hall with me, I would have seen him.)

...I opened the door to see if maybe he had left the soap outside, but there was nothing. The floor was completely empty. Figuring that I had imagined hearing the knock on the door, I turned to go back into the room.

Just as I was turning, two bars of soap came out of nowhere and hit me squarely in the chest.

It was such a weird thing, that it didn't totally register. I took the soap, went inside, and got into bed. As I was drifting off to sleep it suddenly hit me what had happened. All I can say is I had a pretty restless night after that.

And that's my coolest ghost story. I have two more- one about the time I kept seeing possibly the lamest ghost ever, and a collection of tales from the hotel where my wife used to work.

Who is my superhero girlfriend?

I'd always thought I was more a Mary Marvel kinda guy, but I guess I was wrong.

Facts and Figures- Ecuador 2007

Wow! First post of the new year! How are you all doing? I'm doing pretty well myself- the family's healthy, Sarah's growing like a weed, and scaring me with how smart she is.

How was your Christmas and New Year's? Ours was great- we spent three weeks in Quito with Pilar's family. It was our first trip there in over three years, and Sarah's first time ever. We survived the plane rides- Sarah was great both coming and going, a real trooper.

In lieu of anything more substantive, here are a few facts and figures from the trip:

Number of days spent in Quito: 21
Highest elevation attained: 4100 meters at the Teleferico
Books read (in order): The Grin of the Dark (Ramsey Campbell), I Am America (And So Can You) (Stephen Colbert), Murder in Mesopotamia (Agatha Christie), A Confederacy of Dunces (John Kennedy Toole), Grotesque (Natsuo Kirino), Shadow Prey (John Sandford), The Queen of the South (Arturo Perez-Reverte).
Number of cuy* eaten: 2
Ratio of Cold Showers to Hot Showers: 4:1
Number of "Best of Three" rounds of Volleyball played on New Year's Eve: 6
Number of Sore Muscles on New Year's Day: How many are in the human body?
New Words and Phrases Learned by Sarah: "Ai-Yi-Yi", Vayvo (huevo/egg), Chew (Mateo, her cousin), Dayo (Diego, another cousin), choo-choo (car or train)
Number of pictures taken: 261
Minutes of video taken: 108

------------------------
* Cuy is an Ecuadorian delicacy, and one of my favorite foods- it's guinea pig, either barbecued or (my preference) battered and deep fried. It tastes a lot like rabbit.

Are you smart enough to read this blog?

A PG-13 rating and a junior high level? I should be writing for According to Jim.

Halloween Treats

One thing I love about Halloween is carving pumpkins, but I hadn't done one in years. When I was growing up, it was always something to look forward to (along with picking a costume, and eating candy). I decided that as my daughter gets older, we'll make it a family tradition to do some carving, and I wanted to get back in the groove. Also, Pilar had never carved one at all, so I thought it would be something fun for us to do together. It turns out that our neighbors had just bought a couple pumpkins, too, so we decided to all get together and have a pumpkin night.

Here are the results:

First up is the pumpkin I carved- a cool, scary scarecrow:



Next is mine and Pilar's handiwork:



Finally, the results of all four maestros:

Of course, four pumpkins means a lot of pumpkin meat to deal with. So far, I've baked up a nice batch of seasoned pumpkin seeds, two pies, and some pumpkin pudding, and I still haven't dented the nmeat. Next up- pumpkin soup and pumpkin bread. I have the feeling I'll be making pumpkin-based meals for quite a while.

Chiller Theatre- October 2007

My- it's been quite a while since my last post. How have you been? You look good- lost a little weight, I see. I've been exercising a little, watching the baby, just trying to enjoy life. I really have been meaning to add some more posts to this blog, but you know how it is.

I see I've had over 1000 visitors in the interim- most of them here because of Rocky LaPorte. Who knew the guy was so popular? I guess everyone wants to know more about that mystery man. So do I, and I have some ideas, but that's for another post. What really brought you here is the fact that it's October, so that means that it's Chiller Theatre Time!

This year's convention was a little earlier than normal- usually it's the last weekend in October, but with the new hotel, I guess, they had to use a different time. No complaints here, for the most part- the new hotel is nicer and bigger than the previous ones, although, for this show, at least, there were a few glitches.

The hotel's undergoing some renovations, which, unfortunately, meant that ventilation in the main areas was poor. A lot of the lines and rooms got very hot and humid. Coupled with the unseasonably warm day, it meant a pretty tropical experience. Unfortunately, I suffer from migraines, which are triggered by heat and humidity, so I was not feeling up to par as the day went on.

Because of that, I really wasn't in the mood to stand in a crowd or wait in line for autographs. I only ended up getting two:

Here is Marcia Wallace- she was great a Carol on the original Bob Newhart show, and is currently the voice of Mrs. Krabapple on The Simpsons. Surprisingly, even though I've been to quite a few conventions, and The Simpsons is one of my favorite shows, she's the first cast member whose autograph I've gotten.


Next up is Lisa Marie- star of many Tim Burton films.

And that's it for my autographs this time.

However, there was one star whose appearance convinced the lovely Pilar to come with me. My lovely wife doesn't like these shows, and I've long given up on having her come with me, but when I saw that this guest was going to be there, I was able to talk her into joining me. He's been her favorite actor for as long as I've known her, and since her birthday was only a couple of days before, I figured this would be a good present for her- a chance to meet Mr. Val Kilmer himself:

So, there you have it- the latest Chiller pix. Hopefully things will be ironed out better for the April show and my head won't feel like it's exploding.

"Rocky LaPorte" Part Deux

Well, as promised, here is the conclusion of the exciting “Rocky LaPorte” story.

Thursday night I received a call from the survey company. They started off with a few questions about the show- when did I watch it, did I watch the whole thing, etc. Then they asked me questions about the commercials, in particular ones for Marie Callendar frozen foods and for cleaning products. To be honest, I didn’t remember either one of the commercials- they were so bland that they completely left my brain as I was watching them.

After that, they asked me a few questions about the show itself- who was my favorite character, who was my least favorite character, what should they change if the show were ever aired, and so forth. I was brutally honest that show was pretty horrible, there were no good characters and that they were all equally abhorrent. As for what should be changed, I pretty much said the whole show should be scrapped and rebuilt from the ground up.

And that was it.

Given that they were particularly interested in two of the commercials, I’m guessing that the DVD was really a preview of new commercials more than a TV Show. The show was there simply to provide a modicum of entertainment in between the real reason to be watching- ads. (Pretty much the way broadcast TV operates anyway).

It was interesting to be part of the survey, though, and I would look forward to the chance to do it again, although I’d like to see a better show than “Rocky LaPorte.”

I've seen the future, and it's name is not Rocky LaPorte

I like to make my opinions known. (Which, of course, is an unusual trait for a blogger to have.) I also like free stuff. To those ends, a while back I signed up for a service that asks its members to review products and websites, and so forth. Mostly I’ve reviewed some commercial websites. It’s pretty easy work, and I’ve been rewarded for my time with Amazon gift certificates, but it wasn’t anything exciting. Until last week...

I got a call asking if I’d like to review a TV show, which I agreed to do. Yesterday I got a DVD in the mail. I was to watch it last night, and the company is going to call me tonight to ask questions about it. I figured I might get the chance to preview some new show that might be on a network’s fall or winter line-up- I could be the one to determine if it would make it. Maybe I would be getting a preview of the next “Heroes” (yay!) or maybe “Two and a Half Men” (boo!). Or maybe I’d see the debut show of an up and coming star. I was excited, to say the least.

Anyway, I put the DVD in the player, and start the show.

The first scene takes place in a kitchen, where a young boy (about 10 or so) is reading from a book and spouting some trivia from it. A superimposed title reveals we’re watching “The Rocky LaPorte Show.” Dad (the titular Rocky, in real life a stand-up comedian) makes some allegedly humorous comments. Sample dialogue:

Boy: Did you know the ancient Aztecs used played soccer using human heads?
Rocky: Well, you know, when you’re poor, you’ve got to make due with what you have.
(Cue laugh track.)

Teenage daughter enters and exposits (not at all unnaturally) that today is Mom and Dad’s fifteenth wedding anniversary, and did Dad forget to buy a present again this year? Dad feels that he got the perfect gift- a new chair for her office. Daughter says that’s a horrible gift. Dad gets a little nervous and claims he also has another gift, too. And standard sitcom plot #23 is off and running.

It’s pretty predictable where we go from here- Dad stops by to see his best friend, who works in a retirement home. Said friend is a little dopey, but agrees to help with a new present. A crotchety old man™ says to get her jewelry, so off we go to the jewelry store.

Dad sees a nice diamond ring, but is put off when the woman at the store (played by Missi Pyle, the only person in the cast whose name I recognized, and only one of two who even looked remotely familiar) tells him it costs $12,000. Dad realizes that cubic zirconium is the only thing in his price range, so he buys one that is about the size of a GameBoy.

Of course, everyone he shows it to realizes it’s fake, so he heads back to the jewelry store to get his money back. Missi Pyle is gone, and the current salesman is the only other person who looks familiar. I don’t know his name, but he plays the Washington Mutual guy on TV commercials. WaMu guy says that all sales are final and won’t refund Rocky’s money. Fortunately, Rocky is a telephone repair man, so he threatens to cut off the store’s service. This rather wishy-washy threat is enough to scare the bejesus out the salesman, so he gives Rocky his money back. Rocky uses the money to buy a teeny-tiny diamond ring.

That night, Rocky cooks dinner for his wife, gives her the ring and all is well with the world.

So- that’s the show I was all excited about. Boy, was it bad. None of the actors had any charisma, Rocky, who speaks in a heavily Chicago-accented nasal voice, is possibly the worst stand-up comedian turned actor I’ve ever seen- he cannot register any emotion at all. The kids are your standard sitcom issue. Either Rocky’s friend is a huge bland idiot, or the actor playing him is (and given the talent level of the rest of the cast, I’m going to put my money on the latter).

The only pleasant thing about the show was seeing Missi Pyle, but something about her seemed odd at first. She’s not exactly a world-famous actress, but given the movies and TV shows she’s been in recently, I didn’t think she’d be acting in a non-recurring role in a pilot. Then I realized that she’s a lot younger, thinner and brunette-er in this show than I’m used to seeing. So I started wondering how old this show was.

A quick scan of IMDb reveals no information about this show- it’s not on either Missi Pyle’s or Rocky LaPorte’s resume. (Rocky’s does say he did a pilot, but it doesn’t say when that was.) His website also mentions the pilot, but gives no other information.

Another thing about the DVD was that there were commercials. Off-hand, I remember one for Afflac Insurance and another for Cheese Nips featuring Quasimodo that was much funnier than the show itself.

The instructions that accompanied the DVD said that I should watch it from start to finish with no breaks, and to pay attention to everything. So, I guess I’m wondering whether I’m supposed to be critiquing a horrendous several-year-old failed TV pilot, or if I’m the test audience for a bunch of new commercials.

The company that sent out the DVD is calling me tonight for my opinions. I guess I’ll find out more then. When I do, I’ll keep all of you posted.

Rememberance of Chillers Past- The Other Movie Stars

Hmm- only about 4 weeks since the last post. If I don't start picking up the pace, you may accuse me of being a slacker or something. Well, since I don't want that, I'll continue with the series that had you coming back for more- previous Chiller encounters. This post will finish off the (more or less) mainstream stars, as well as two surprise musical guests.

First off, a couple of Sopranos alumni:



Joe Pantoliano and Frank Vincent (and the lovely Pilar).

For those of you Stripes and/or Rock and Roll High School fans, PJ Soles:


Or, if Sheena is more your speed, here's Tanya Roberts:


My favorite Lois Lane, Margot Kidder:


My favorite Indiana Jones girlfriend (and someone who's always reminded of being Margot Kidder's spunky younger sister), Karen Allen:


Star of some great Hitchcock films, Tippi Hedren:


Here's Karen Black, who was great in Nashville, and whose TV movie Trilogy of Terror scared the pants off my mother back in the day:


And, our musical guests-

First up, she really, really wanted Candy, Anabela Lwin from Bow Wow Wow:


And, finally, the drummer from one of my all time favorite groups ever, Nick Mason of Pink Floyd:

This blog is not suitable for children or those with somewhat delicate sensibilities

If you're under 13, turn back now.



The PG-13 is because of the presence of the words dead, shoot and steal.

A real post will come later this week.

Really.

I mean it.

Not your father's psychotic super-villain

Oh man! I know exactly what my Halloween costume is going to be this year.

Rememberance of Chillers Past- The Horror, The Horror

Man- life sure has a way of getting in the way of doing stupid stuff. I purposely chose an easy task for the next several blog posts, and I still can't manage more than one post every couple of weeks. At this rate, I'll be done right around the October Chiller.

So, without any further ado, let's take a look at some of the people who starred in those scaaaarry movies, OK?

First up, the American Werewolf, and quite a Pepper, David Naughton:


Not really a scream queen, but she did kick a lot of monster butt in her prime, Sybil Danning:


Looking a lot different without all that scary black hair in front of her face, The Ring's own Samara (and the voice of Chihiro in the American version of one of my wife's favorite movies, Spirited Away)- Daveigh Chase:


The voice of Chucky, Brad Dourif (who was also great as Billy Bibbit):


The Re-Animator himself, Jeffrey Combs:


You may not recognize her without the black wig and extreme cleavage, but that Cassandra Peterson, aka Elvira:


The Ladies of the Evil Dead:


And what would an Evil Dead autograph collection be without Bruce Campbell? (Actually, this is kind of a cheat- I didn't get his autograph at Chiller, it was at a signing for one of his books.)


Here's someone who should be immediately recognizable, Linda Blair:


Finally, two signatures from the stars of one of my favorite scary/funny movies, Phantasm. Angus Scrimm (The Tall Man), and Reggie Bannister: